I think the title of this blog is pretty ironic given that I haven't written anything on here in over a year.
However.
Tonight is the night.
I have had a bummer day. It started out pretty fantastic. My group of leader ladies met at Chik Fil A for chicken biscuits and frank discussion of racism and its effects on us. We focused on scripture and how do we as women of God respond. 4 or 5 of the ladies shared their experiences as black women, as moms, as daughters, as wives of police officers, as family members of people who've been a part of the recent riots. It was really powerful, and sweet and deep fellowship. I left this morning's meeting on a high, for sure.
I just laughed to myself at how quickly that turned around.
My leadership journey in a church has been a pretty bumpy ride. I think you can put the responsibility for that on a number of things, myself being one of them. I am, as I've been told, a passionate person with opinions. That's manifested in my life in a lot of ways - from stepping between family members in fights as a child, to pursuing a business as one of the few local female photographers at the time, to giving up dreams that I held dear for other things God had for me. God made my passionate self and over time forged it into a spine. A strong spine. A spine I'm not ashamed of. It takes strength to lay down dreams. It takes strength to stand in the gap for a family member who needs it. It takes strength to be married for 16 years. It takes strength to be the new girl on the block and go head to head with the boys and make a name. It takes strength and courage and faith. I don't say that to say that my strength separates me from God, not at all. My strength is born out of and directly from everything He's put in my life and how He's led me through it. I am only strong because I've submitted to Him in those situations and seen the value of perserverance, and let Him build my character.
Out of that character He's made me a leader.
So in this first year and a half or so of leadership the consistent lesson has continued to be: perserverance. Staying in the conversation.
Staying put when my leadership didn't believe I could lead.
Obeying when God said to write my first bible study ever last summer.
Persisting with Nicaragua when I was referred to in some derogatory ways for that persistence because God loves those women in those chairs.
Persisting with women who struggle with deep issues that take time and patience and lots of scripture and prayer to root out.
Persisting with one of my pastors to learn communication styles and learning to respect and value that partnership.
Staying in the conversation about sex offenders in the church when it wasn't super popular to begin with, and learning where I made mistakes in my communication.
And then today. One of the hardest ones yet. It's such a long drawn out situation. It involves multiple people, discipleships, friendships, my mentor and a whole family. This year I've checked, rechecked, and checked my heart again. I checked my heart again Tuesday and went to make sure I wasn't making things up and having a narrow ugly view. I hate this so much because saying what I have said, what I think needs to be said puts me in conflict with people I respect and care for. But not saying it is negligent, and maybe even sin, as a leader in the church.
To tell you that I came home and laid on my bed for 3 hours and listened to worship music is absolutely true.
To tell you that someone whose opinion I value a great deal questions my character because of this, is true.
To tell you that I don't know what to do except pray is true.
God put me in this situation for some reason. I didn't go looking for it. So I believe He wants my voice in it or He wants me to learn OR maybe both.
I was thinking today about a conversation I had with a girl this week and how I was encouraging her that facing her issues and tackling them wasn't pleasant but it was necessary to grow and to become the person she wants to be. So do the work, and quit whining. Haha. Essentially. This post feels a little bit like whining, except I don't want to whine. I want to remember today--I need to remember today that all of the other things have been with purpose and that God gave me strength for a reason.
I've been listening to Through All of It a lot today. I'll leave you with this. He's the foundation of my life through every circumstance.
I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Friday, September 23, 2016
Sunday, December 27, 2015
The End of 2015
I've sorely neglected this blog. It's been a long year. Lots to do that left no time for deep meanderings online.
I wrote a letter to a friend tonight that turned reflective, and I thought you know, it would be a bad idea to let this year go without some written remembering. So here goes.
This year I quit my job as a photographer.
This year I signed up for full time ministry.
In the interests of wisdom I won't write everything down that happened this year. Just highlights.
January started out with most people I served with telling me that I wouldn't be able to lead Crash well. I had to change it or it would fail, because of who I am as a person. It wasn't one person it was many. Several. I had a lot of nights where God and I had heart to hearts about Crash. Is this really really really what I'm supposed to do? That was a journey of 4 months. April 1st I signed the paperwork to be a church employee. That still makes me gag a little haha.
Here's what I learned in those four months. If God tells you to do something. Do it. Don't listen to the voices that tell you no. Be kind and be patient to the ones who tell you to stop or that you will fail. It's not my job to be judge and jury. Resentment gets you nowhere. Build a bridge of forgiveness. Encourage your own heart with who God is and who you are in Him. Perseverance wins.
April to May was a lot of stumbling around in the dark. That's what it felt like for me anyway ;)
The summer was I Am and learning that God moves in obedience. That there is nothing worth doing unless He is driving it. It was finding my feet under me and seeing life unfurl like green leaves to the sun.
Somewhere in there Foster Hope and 15 beautiful and damaged girls fell into our lives.
Nicaragua got off the ground again as God knit Hellen and NI with us.
We had baptisms, we had lots of Friday mornings, we had hard conversations and freedom. We had girls understand God as their Father. We had salvations and growth.
We also had girls leave. Hearts that felt like failures to me when they went.
I had to apologize when I made mistakes. A lot.
Friendships that I had held close changed. Friendships that I've loved for a long time flourished. Friends that had drifted a little came close again.
I look ahead to 2016 and I have no idea. I have no idea what to do. Where to go. I don't know how to bring the understanding of Christ to these 15 young girls from the hardest parts of life. I don't know how to lead 30 women leaders toward Christ and sharpen them into disciplemakers and sold out women of God. I don't know how to take Crash and make it a place of hope and life and refreshing. I am afraid that the burden of a mission field is too much for our little community to carry by itself.
I stand at the edge of 2016 and part of me wants to lay down this burden and go back to safety and easy with a camera. The other part of me wants to lean in and run ahead with enthusiasm the race.
Jesus will you be enough in 2016? You were enough this year. More than enough. I need you. If you don't carry me, my girls and this crash community into what you have for us, we are toast.
There is no point to us without you. Be our Hope. Be our strength and our direction for the journey.
You are the point and the process. Be enough.
I wrote a letter to a friend tonight that turned reflective, and I thought you know, it would be a bad idea to let this year go without some written remembering. So here goes.
This year I quit my job as a photographer.
This year I signed up for full time ministry.
In the interests of wisdom I won't write everything down that happened this year. Just highlights.
January started out with most people I served with telling me that I wouldn't be able to lead Crash well. I had to change it or it would fail, because of who I am as a person. It wasn't one person it was many. Several. I had a lot of nights where God and I had heart to hearts about Crash. Is this really really really what I'm supposed to do? That was a journey of 4 months. April 1st I signed the paperwork to be a church employee. That still makes me gag a little haha.
Here's what I learned in those four months. If God tells you to do something. Do it. Don't listen to the voices that tell you no. Be kind and be patient to the ones who tell you to stop or that you will fail. It's not my job to be judge and jury. Resentment gets you nowhere. Build a bridge of forgiveness. Encourage your own heart with who God is and who you are in Him. Perseverance wins.
April to May was a lot of stumbling around in the dark. That's what it felt like for me anyway ;)
The summer was I Am and learning that God moves in obedience. That there is nothing worth doing unless He is driving it. It was finding my feet under me and seeing life unfurl like green leaves to the sun.
Somewhere in there Foster Hope and 15 beautiful and damaged girls fell into our lives.
Nicaragua got off the ground again as God knit Hellen and NI with us.
We had baptisms, we had lots of Friday mornings, we had hard conversations and freedom. We had girls understand God as their Father. We had salvations and growth.
We also had girls leave. Hearts that felt like failures to me when they went.
I had to apologize when I made mistakes. A lot.
Friendships that I had held close changed. Friendships that I've loved for a long time flourished. Friends that had drifted a little came close again.
I look ahead to 2016 and I have no idea. I have no idea what to do. Where to go. I don't know how to bring the understanding of Christ to these 15 young girls from the hardest parts of life. I don't know how to lead 30 women leaders toward Christ and sharpen them into disciplemakers and sold out women of God. I don't know how to take Crash and make it a place of hope and life and refreshing. I am afraid that the burden of a mission field is too much for our little community to carry by itself.
I stand at the edge of 2016 and part of me wants to lay down this burden and go back to safety and easy with a camera. The other part of me wants to lean in and run ahead with enthusiasm the race.
Jesus will you be enough in 2016? You were enough this year. More than enough. I need you. If you don't carry me, my girls and this crash community into what you have for us, we are toast.
There is no point to us without you. Be our Hope. Be our strength and our direction for the journey.
You are the point and the process. Be enough.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Transitions
It's been 9 years.
9 years since I first picked up a camera and took a picture of a girl in a white dress.
9 years of learning. Honing my craft. Pushing myself.
The images from my first year are so terrible.
I look at them and laugh and wonder why anyone hired me.
There were things I wanted to accomplish. Some of it I achieved and some I didn't.
This is my gratitude list:
* Join the boys club in my town and become one of the ones at the top.
* Be published on national, international and local wedding blogs.
* Take part in a reality show.
* Photograph editorials
* Organize and photograph a local fashion show for our VA designers
* Make lots of friends from all over the US of A in the wedding industry.
* Meet a whole lotta great people in love
* photograph weddings from other cultures: Korea, Africa, Poland.
* See my work in print media
* Be voted top photog in the city twice
Here's what I learned along the way:
* Never stop competing against yourself
* Don't compete with anyone else
* Give 100% every time
* Creativity is always possible
* Flexibility wins
* A smile and a listening ear will take you far
* Failure is going to happen. Grieve it. Get up and keep moving.
* Make your clients success your success.
* Be kind.
* Be interested.
* Don't get stuck in ruts. Try new things.
* Work hard.
* Be your best.
* Stand out from everyone else.
And now. Now as I turn my eyes away from the camera and onto ministry.
Now as the insecurities flood in. The fears of failure. The fears of being failed. As I start to feel that need to compete with other people, or to do what they do. Or be where they are. Or be who they are. It's beautiful to look at these lists and remember. Everything starts somewhere. And somewhere is never the at top of the game. Jesus defines the top in this new arena. He defines the goals, the wins, the next thing to come. And I'm not alone this time around. <3 br="">
9 years since I first picked up a camera and took a picture of a girl in a white dress.
9 years of learning. Honing my craft. Pushing myself.
The images from my first year are so terrible.
I look at them and laugh and wonder why anyone hired me.
There were things I wanted to accomplish. Some of it I achieved and some I didn't.
This is my gratitude list:
* Join the boys club in my town and become one of the ones at the top.
* Be published on national, international and local wedding blogs.
* Take part in a reality show.
* Photograph editorials
* Organize and photograph a local fashion show for our VA designers
* Make lots of friends from all over the US of A in the wedding industry.
* Meet a whole lotta great people in love
* photograph weddings from other cultures: Korea, Africa, Poland.
* See my work in print media
* Be voted top photog in the city twice
Here's what I learned along the way:
* Never stop competing against yourself
* Don't compete with anyone else
* Give 100% every time
* Creativity is always possible
* Flexibility wins
* A smile and a listening ear will take you far
* Failure is going to happen. Grieve it. Get up and keep moving.
* Make your clients success your success.
* Be kind.
* Be interested.
* Don't get stuck in ruts. Try new things.
* Work hard.
* Be your best.
* Stand out from everyone else.
And now. Now as I turn my eyes away from the camera and onto ministry.
Now as the insecurities flood in. The fears of failure. The fears of being failed. As I start to feel that need to compete with other people, or to do what they do. Or be where they are. Or be who they are. It's beautiful to look at these lists and remember. Everything starts somewhere. And somewhere is never the at top of the game. Jesus defines the top in this new arena. He defines the goals, the wins, the next thing to come. And I'm not alone this time around. <3 br="">
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Things I'm learning.
In this season of stepping further into a leadership role there are some things I'm learning. Here they are:
1. If you are bringing someone alongside and asking them to take a bigger role, give them constructive and positive feedback. Focusing constantly on weakness or perceived failure causes that person to no longer feel able capable or interested in what they are being asked to do. You discourage. Build up, don't tear down.
2. Remember that an opinion is an opinion, not a word from the Lord.
3. When you are talking about someone who is being considered for more leadership, talk TO them as well as about them.
4. Communicate vision consistently and don't depend on other people to do that for you.
5. If God has called you to it, walk on. Persevere when the going gets tough.
6. Ask for objective, godly counsel from trusted friends and advisors.
7. Check your heart to see who's vision or agenda you are serving in your pursuit of leadership.
8. Stand your ground when it's important.
9. There is a time to step up and ask for something to happen. Don't shrink back from that moment.
10. Support unselfishly, be wise, be gentle, be bold.
1. If you are bringing someone alongside and asking them to take a bigger role, give them constructive and positive feedback. Focusing constantly on weakness or perceived failure causes that person to no longer feel able capable or interested in what they are being asked to do. You discourage. Build up, don't tear down.
2. Remember that an opinion is an opinion, not a word from the Lord.
3. When you are talking about someone who is being considered for more leadership, talk TO them as well as about them.
4. Communicate vision consistently and don't depend on other people to do that for you.
5. If God has called you to it, walk on. Persevere when the going gets tough.
6. Ask for objective, godly counsel from trusted friends and advisors.
7. Check your heart to see who's vision or agenda you are serving in your pursuit of leadership.
8. Stand your ground when it's important.
9. There is a time to step up and ask for something to happen. Don't shrink back from that moment.
10. Support unselfishly, be wise, be gentle, be bold.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Servants and Lovers
I read a blog tonight criticizing the church. The author had a lot to say about what was wrong with his experience from the form of worship to the way he was treated. He was choosing to walk away.
Valid. It makes sense to leave what you don't like. What has hurt you.
I've been hurt by the church.
I've experienced her from the inside out. Her various flavors. Her harsh conservatives and her easy going hipsters. People in the church are mean, and angry, and prideful.
So are people outside the church. What sets us apart from the rest of the human race is not our perfection but our forgiven-ness. Our state of redemption. Hypocrites exist in and out of the church. The church works when we admit who we are. Yes we are hypocrites. Yes we are hurtful and broken people. Jesus heal us and make us different. When we allow space for honesty, and truth, and put Christ in his rightful place as Boss and Father the church is the most beautiful, healing, and holy place to be.
It's easier sometimes to point fingers at problems than to get up, forgive the hurt, dust off and follow Christ back into the church and into the world it exists to serve. If you and I can be a little better than the church we've left then we have a good thing going on. If I can talk about a song you sing a certain way and what's wrong with that, then it's better than looking at how far I've drifted from how God loves people. The problem is that you and I are not any better than the person we point a finger at who has hurt us. I can't do more to save myself by liking to sing a song a certain way. I obviously can't forgive people for hurting me the way I have been forgiven. I am less like Christ and more like that hypocrite I want to criticize.
We are only in the church because we are broken and need a Healer. Those who leave forget that as much as those who are in it.
The church was the idea of Christ. The idea of God. He calls her his Bride, his lady, his love and talks about how he can't wait to pick her up and make it official. He calls the Church his body and himself the Head of it. He calls his church his children, and reminds us to call him Daddy. He talks about how each one in the church is purposeful, meant to be, and placed exactly as he desired.
We forget on all extremes of arguments on our human level what God's heart is for his church.
It's not about a building. It's not about a form or function of worship. The church is liturgical and solemn. It is choirs and getting down on Sunday morning in Brooklyn. It is hymn books and praise bands. It is wooden pews and chairs in a school building or gym. It is progressive and traditional. It is all of those things and more because wherever the scripture and the gospel are, wherever Christ is loved, it's the church. It's Spanish and English and French and Swahili and every language on earth.
It's people.
I love the church. Not because she is perfect and always gets it right, but because God is in the business of changing hypocrites into lovers and servants one day at a time.
We can become a room full of people pointing fingers at each other.
Or we can do what our God, our Dad, our Lover calls us to:
Valid. It makes sense to leave what you don't like. What has hurt you.
I've been hurt by the church.
I've experienced her from the inside out. Her various flavors. Her harsh conservatives and her easy going hipsters. People in the church are mean, and angry, and prideful.
So are people outside the church. What sets us apart from the rest of the human race is not our perfection but our forgiven-ness. Our state of redemption. Hypocrites exist in and out of the church. The church works when we admit who we are. Yes we are hypocrites. Yes we are hurtful and broken people. Jesus heal us and make us different. When we allow space for honesty, and truth, and put Christ in his rightful place as Boss and Father the church is the most beautiful, healing, and holy place to be.
It's easier sometimes to point fingers at problems than to get up, forgive the hurt, dust off and follow Christ back into the church and into the world it exists to serve. If you and I can be a little better than the church we've left then we have a good thing going on. If I can talk about a song you sing a certain way and what's wrong with that, then it's better than looking at how far I've drifted from how God loves people. The problem is that you and I are not any better than the person we point a finger at who has hurt us. I can't do more to save myself by liking to sing a song a certain way. I obviously can't forgive people for hurting me the way I have been forgiven. I am less like Christ and more like that hypocrite I want to criticize.
We are only in the church because we are broken and need a Healer. Those who leave forget that as much as those who are in it.
The church was the idea of Christ. The idea of God. He calls her his Bride, his lady, his love and talks about how he can't wait to pick her up and make it official. He calls the Church his body and himself the Head of it. He calls his church his children, and reminds us to call him Daddy. He talks about how each one in the church is purposeful, meant to be, and placed exactly as he desired.
We forget on all extremes of arguments on our human level what God's heart is for his church.
It's not about a building. It's not about a form or function of worship. The church is liturgical and solemn. It is choirs and getting down on Sunday morning in Brooklyn. It is hymn books and praise bands. It is wooden pews and chairs in a school building or gym. It is progressive and traditional. It is all of those things and more because wherever the scripture and the gospel are, wherever Christ is loved, it's the church. It's Spanish and English and French and Swahili and every language on earth.
It's people.
I love the church. Not because she is perfect and always gets it right, but because God is in the business of changing hypocrites into lovers and servants one day at a time.
We can become a room full of people pointing fingers at each other.
Or we can do what our God, our Dad, our Lover calls us to:
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Eph 4
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Fight or Flight
My husband argued with me tonight over whether or not I am an introvert.
I say I am.
He says I'm not.
I guess the fact that my most intimate friend thinks I'm an extrovert shows how far I've come from the book loving wallflower of my childhood. Which is good news in most ways.
Lately I've been noticing the introvert inside me raise her head again. I've been a whirling vortex of thoughts and emotions and confusion that has coagulated into one thing- FEAR.
I'm afraid. I feel the changes coming. Like the wind that blows before a storm rolls in, I feel it on my face, in my heart. One season of life is closing and another is beginning. And I want to put my head down, and crawl into the safety of a still small corner and let it pass me by.
You see I know me. I know my inadequacies. My foolishness. My vanities. My failures.
I know this new season will require more. More dying to self. More cross carrying. More refining. It's always worth it. But the journey to looking more like Christ is painful and the stretching tears my ligaments and beats my heart a thousand times faster and cracks my bones. And yet what is true is that I have suffered nothing for him, really. So why the fear?
He is faithful.
He is here before me in the storm and the wind and the change.
His hand is before me outstretched and I have to, I must, follow my good Shepherd. I strain to hear his Voice right now. My own treacherous heart is deaf and cold.
It's time to put the introvert aside-the girl that wants to hide, and step out as the woman who follows.
I have been spending quality time lately with my favorite poets and writers. This from Martha Medieros sums up my heart tonight:
I say I am.
He says I'm not.
I guess the fact that my most intimate friend thinks I'm an extrovert shows how far I've come from the book loving wallflower of my childhood. Which is good news in most ways.
Lately I've been noticing the introvert inside me raise her head again. I've been a whirling vortex of thoughts and emotions and confusion that has coagulated into one thing- FEAR.
I'm afraid. I feel the changes coming. Like the wind that blows before a storm rolls in, I feel it on my face, in my heart. One season of life is closing and another is beginning. And I want to put my head down, and crawl into the safety of a still small corner and let it pass me by.
You see I know me. I know my inadequacies. My foolishness. My vanities. My failures.
I know this new season will require more. More dying to self. More cross carrying. More refining. It's always worth it. But the journey to looking more like Christ is painful and the stretching tears my ligaments and beats my heart a thousand times faster and cracks my bones. And yet what is true is that I have suffered nothing for him, really. So why the fear?
He is faithful.
He is here before me in the storm and the wind and the change.
His hand is before me outstretched and I have to, I must, follow my good Shepherd. I strain to hear his Voice right now. My own treacherous heart is deaf and cold.
It's time to put the introvert aside-the girl that wants to hide, and step out as the woman who follows.
I have been spending quality time lately with my favorite poets and writers. This from Martha Medieros sums up my heart tonight:
He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience,
dies slowly.
He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones "i"
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience,
dies slowly.
He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones "i"
rather than a whirlpool of emotions,
the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings,
dies slowly.
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings,
dies slowly.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
One of my favorite gospel songs is Withholding Nothing by William McDowell.
It's one of those songs that you can't just flippantly sing. Withholding nothing. Meaning giving all of it over. All of it. The marriage. The job. The singleness. The frustrations. The anger.
Giving up my rights to react, act or own things in every situation.
Letting God sandpaper my rough edges. Making me a reflection of his character. It's hard hard work. It's painful. It's death. So much life comes out of it, though. Obedience is always worth it; obedience brings blessing.
Withholding nothing.
Dying to live.
The mystery of the gospel.
The power of the gospel.
The power of God in us.
I want to gaze at Christ again. And again. And again.
I want Him to gaze out of me, into the world.
It's one of those songs that you can't just flippantly sing. Withholding nothing. Meaning giving all of it over. All of it. The marriage. The job. The singleness. The frustrations. The anger.
Giving up my rights to react, act or own things in every situation.
Letting God sandpaper my rough edges. Making me a reflection of his character. It's hard hard work. It's painful. It's death. So much life comes out of it, though. Obedience is always worth it; obedience brings blessing.
Withholding nothing.
Dying to live.
The mystery of the gospel.
The power of the gospel.
The power of God in us.
I want to gaze at Christ again. And again. And again.
I want Him to gaze out of me, into the world.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Lift up your head.
I sometimes feel like I write only or mostly when something is wrong in my heart.
Tonight I want to share something beautiful and good.
In this season of busy and overwhelmed, I have been tired in my soul. Tired in my heart. Dragging myself to ministry and to meetings.
As I sat around a circle of ladies tonight and listened to them share their stories, 3 of them had things to say about how God had used my obedience in their lives to draw them closer to himself.
It just felt like God sat next to me and put an arm around my shoulder and said, see girl... things are getting done whether you feel it or not. I felt like he put a finger under my chin and lifted my face up. Not because I am wonderful and wise, but because I know I am not and he wants to use me.
I felt the pleasure and the presence of Christ tonight and it was sweet.
Tonight I want to share something beautiful and good.
In this season of busy and overwhelmed, I have been tired in my soul. Tired in my heart. Dragging myself to ministry and to meetings.
As I sat around a circle of ladies tonight and listened to them share their stories, 3 of them had things to say about how God had used my obedience in their lives to draw them closer to himself.
It just felt like God sat next to me and put an arm around my shoulder and said, see girl... things are getting done whether you feel it or not. I felt like he put a finger under my chin and lifted my face up. Not because I am wonderful and wise, but because I know I am not and he wants to use me.
I felt the pleasure and the presence of Christ tonight and it was sweet.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Nicaragua and a Life Update
It's hard to say when you know your life is changing. Sometimes it comes in a blinding moment, and sometimes it creeps up on you slowly. There have been several awareness moments for me this year. A moment where life, or God, taps me on the shoulder and says, "Pay attention".
I could tell you a million things about Nicaragua. Its humidity, its food, its sunsets. The ruins of a cathedral from a natural catastrophe and a culture from years of violent human castrophe. But if you and I have been on this journey for awhile, you know these things.
You know we went to visit women who love God and seek the broken.
You know we came as strangers and left as sisters and friends.
So I will tell you the moment that wrecked my heart and caused me to pay attention.
I had mentioned in passing to a friend one afternoon that we should perhaps, get a prayer meeting together for the suffering in Iraq and the Ebola crisis in Africa. Here is where that came from in my heart: obligation. What kind of Christ follower am I really, if I'm not praying for the suffering? So let us, by all means, put on the show and do the stuff we do to show God we made an effort.
Sitting around a circle of poverty stricken, ex prostitutes one day later, prayer requests were being mentioned. Most women asked prayer for families, children, health issues, financial issues and then a sweet 60 year old woman said, let us pray for our brothers in Iraq and the suffering in Africa.
And I was devastated.
In my foolish pride, I think that God needs my help to get things done.
But instead, he chooses to use the prayer of an impoverished, older woman who used to sell her body. Because her prayer is powerful and effective, and her heart is righteous before him.
God does not need my help.
He loves and uses his people in every part of society. Every country. Every age and gender. If I am invited by him to be a part of it, then I am blessed beyond what I can comprehend.
Let me be low. Low before my fellow family in Christ and low before the one who calls my name and the names of those all over the world that belong to him. Let me be called to follow in the steps of the Lamb who emptied himself and became a servant. Let me be quiet before him.
Let me pay attention to what he's doing.
I could tell you a million things about Nicaragua. Its humidity, its food, its sunsets. The ruins of a cathedral from a natural catastrophe and a culture from years of violent human castrophe. But if you and I have been on this journey for awhile, you know these things.
You know we went to visit women who love God and seek the broken.
You know we came as strangers and left as sisters and friends.
So I will tell you the moment that wrecked my heart and caused me to pay attention.
I had mentioned in passing to a friend one afternoon that we should perhaps, get a prayer meeting together for the suffering in Iraq and the Ebola crisis in Africa. Here is where that came from in my heart: obligation. What kind of Christ follower am I really, if I'm not praying for the suffering? So let us, by all means, put on the show and do the stuff we do to show God we made an effort.
Sitting around a circle of poverty stricken, ex prostitutes one day later, prayer requests were being mentioned. Most women asked prayer for families, children, health issues, financial issues and then a sweet 60 year old woman said, let us pray for our brothers in Iraq and the suffering in Africa.
And I was devastated.
In my foolish pride, I think that God needs my help to get things done.
But instead, he chooses to use the prayer of an impoverished, older woman who used to sell her body. Because her prayer is powerful and effective, and her heart is righteous before him.
God does not need my help.
He loves and uses his people in every part of society. Every country. Every age and gender. If I am invited by him to be a part of it, then I am blessed beyond what I can comprehend.
Let me be low. Low before my fellow family in Christ and low before the one who calls my name and the names of those all over the world that belong to him. Let me be called to follow in the steps of the Lamb who emptied himself and became a servant. Let me be quiet before him.
Let me pay attention to what he's doing.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Selfies
If there's a new word I hate in the English language, it's selfies. It's right up there with panties, moist, and ain't for cringe worthy, eye rolling, head shaking terrible parts of the english language.
However, in the age of the interwebs, instagram, facebook, and twitter females(and males) of all ages, myself included, have taken to posting loads of what I like to call, self portraits. :)
Self portraiture is an art form as old as Rembrandt. In fact, he painted nearly 100 self portraits in his lifetime. That's some commitment. It wasn't a minute on a self phone in those days, a portrait took hours of work.
We all want recognition. Rembrandt wanted it. Teenage girls want it. We want to be seen.
This week in particular I've been thinking a lot about worth and wisdom and attention seeking. Heart motivations for this Crystal George. I had a blond moment, that turned into a facebook post, that turned into a doctored photo of me from a friend. That picture received 133 likes and tons of comments. I only say that, to say this...
I'm as girlie as the next girl. Who doesn't like to be told she's pretty? But I was thinking again, tonight especially, what do I want to be seen for? My worth is not in a pretty picture, or an amount of attention. I want to be a truth teller. A lover of people and God. Someone who does the hard stuff when it hurts. Someone who laughs deeply and often.
How do you fit those things into an image on a screen?
And I want to say it on these social media sites to all my friends that are out there fighting the same fights with insecurity and the need to be seen:
For all the days where my hair is right, and my outfit is tight, and the camera likes me a little, there are also the days where my hair is a disaster. I wear sweats because nothing fits. My face is breaking out at the ripe age of 35. And I haven't shaved my legs in a week. ;)
No one's life is really a pinterest board.
I want to be seen. For real. The beautiful and the not so beautiful. I want to tell the truth about who I am really, and Who makes me beautiful, really. So that if you are looking into this window that is my heart, the light of Christ shines back at you.
I took this picture a few years ago, on a day that I was not wearing any makeup, my hair was just up, and I was wearing sweats. In fact, this picture was taken during a week when that was pretty much my MO every day.
There is no photoshopped picture that is as beautiful as an honest heart. This picture reminds me of that truth, and I want to share it with you.
Real = beautiful.
However, in the age of the interwebs, instagram, facebook, and twitter females(and males) of all ages, myself included, have taken to posting loads of what I like to call, self portraits. :)
Self portraiture is an art form as old as Rembrandt. In fact, he painted nearly 100 self portraits in his lifetime. That's some commitment. It wasn't a minute on a self phone in those days, a portrait took hours of work.
We all want recognition. Rembrandt wanted it. Teenage girls want it. We want to be seen.
This week in particular I've been thinking a lot about worth and wisdom and attention seeking. Heart motivations for this Crystal George. I had a blond moment, that turned into a facebook post, that turned into a doctored photo of me from a friend. That picture received 133 likes and tons of comments. I only say that, to say this...
I'm as girlie as the next girl. Who doesn't like to be told she's pretty? But I was thinking again, tonight especially, what do I want to be seen for? My worth is not in a pretty picture, or an amount of attention. I want to be a truth teller. A lover of people and God. Someone who does the hard stuff when it hurts. Someone who laughs deeply and often.
How do you fit those things into an image on a screen?
And I want to say it on these social media sites to all my friends that are out there fighting the same fights with insecurity and the need to be seen:
For all the days where my hair is right, and my outfit is tight, and the camera likes me a little, there are also the days where my hair is a disaster. I wear sweats because nothing fits. My face is breaking out at the ripe age of 35. And I haven't shaved my legs in a week. ;)
No one's life is really a pinterest board.
I want to be seen. For real. The beautiful and the not so beautiful. I want to tell the truth about who I am really, and Who makes me beautiful, really. So that if you are looking into this window that is my heart, the light of Christ shines back at you.
I took this picture a few years ago, on a day that I was not wearing any makeup, my hair was just up, and I was wearing sweats. In fact, this picture was taken during a week when that was pretty much my MO every day.
There is no photoshopped picture that is as beautiful as an honest heart. This picture reminds me of that truth, and I want to share it with you.
Real = beautiful.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Repeat
I was reading back through the last couple of years of posts today.
Dang. I repeat myself a lot. Sorry friends!!! Haha
Themes:
The tension between work and ministry
The tension between relationship and an introvert heart
My fluctuating weight - lots of tension there ha
My struggles have changed shape but not ingredients over the years. It's funny to see how I'm still in the same stuff, but encouraging because....there is progress friends!
God's still filing the rough edges off but it's looking a lil smoother.
Love that.
Dang. I repeat myself a lot. Sorry friends!!! Haha
Themes:
The tension between work and ministry
The tension between relationship and an introvert heart
My fluctuating weight - lots of tension there ha
My struggles have changed shape but not ingredients over the years. It's funny to see how I'm still in the same stuff, but encouraging because....there is progress friends!
God's still filing the rough edges off but it's looking a lil smoother.
Love that.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
What To Do When Your Heart Bleeds and Your Dream Changes
My dream has changed. I have wanted to paint masterpieces. To find my soul drenched in color and depth and contrast. I have wanted to travel and stand on the edges of the world breathing in the air. I have wanted to dance and play in the sun.
All of those things are good and fine.
But my dream has changed. Lately God has taken my path and turned it into a forked road. A T-stop. I find myself standing at the divide and being afraid.
Nothing will show you the depths of your inadequacies as quickly as a call from God.
Even typing that makes me cringe. Who wants to put themselves in a category with Moses and Elijah? Announcing to my world: Hey, guess what guys, God has GREAT THINGS to do with me. It feels like self promotion. Like those cheesy guys studying evangelism in Bible college. You know the ones.
I'm afraid. Because the reality of this road will be emptying of self and sacrifice and stretching.
I'm afraid.
Someone asked me yesterday why I never asked WHY in a certain circumstance of my life.
I really don't know.
I want to have a deep spiritual reason like, I trusted God or I knew it would be ok because I love Jesus.
The truth is I didn't know if it would be ok. And although I was doing what God asked me to do in the circumstance there was no deep and abiding faith that my situation would come out all rosy and delightful.
So since I've been pondering that question, I think I've come up with an answer,
Life, it is hard, yo. You get the good stuff and the bad stuff. And the scales tip back and forth. Always have. Always will. Maybe I just understood that early in life, because growing up in a 3rd world country will strip you of a sense of entitlement pretty quickly. Some people beg on the street and some people live life in mansions. Most of us end up somewhere in the middle of that.
So asking "why" in a situation doesn't really seem helpful. You can waste lots of time and energy there. Because the question isn't really why, it's why me? Why should I have to suffer? Why can't I have what I want when I want it? Why isn't my life working the way I want it to? It's presumes that if life isn't handing you a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates something in the universe is not working correctly.
God knows how small I am. How I struggle and fail. The cracks in foundation are there, baby.
In the middle of this intersection then, I get to look at the paths. I get to choose. I don't want to sit on the fork and ask why and go nowhere. Cracked and small, He still wants me. I don't know the outcome of this change of plans. The story is still in its middle. No skipping to the end.
My dream has changed. It has faces. It has cost. It has Jesus holding his hand out in front of me, saying 'Come'.
There's not much more I can articulate right now. This chick likes to have a 5 year plan and right now all I have is the next 5 minutes. All I know is that I am in love with a man named Jesus and he's calling my name. So I'm going to obey His call. Wherever that leads. Wherever it goes.
And trust that along the way He will drench my soul in color. We will stand at the edge of the world and breathe the air together. And sometimes my Lord and I will dance in the sunshine on the edge of the road.
All of those things are good and fine.
But my dream has changed. Lately God has taken my path and turned it into a forked road. A T-stop. I find myself standing at the divide and being afraid.
Nothing will show you the depths of your inadequacies as quickly as a call from God.
Even typing that makes me cringe. Who wants to put themselves in a category with Moses and Elijah? Announcing to my world: Hey, guess what guys, God has GREAT THINGS to do with me. It feels like self promotion. Like those cheesy guys studying evangelism in Bible college. You know the ones.
I'm afraid. Because the reality of this road will be emptying of self and sacrifice and stretching.
I'm afraid.
Someone asked me yesterday why I never asked WHY in a certain circumstance of my life.
I really don't know.
I want to have a deep spiritual reason like, I trusted God or I knew it would be ok because I love Jesus.
The truth is I didn't know if it would be ok. And although I was doing what God asked me to do in the circumstance there was no deep and abiding faith that my situation would come out all rosy and delightful.
So since I've been pondering that question, I think I've come up with an answer,
Life, it is hard, yo. You get the good stuff and the bad stuff. And the scales tip back and forth. Always have. Always will. Maybe I just understood that early in life, because growing up in a 3rd world country will strip you of a sense of entitlement pretty quickly. Some people beg on the street and some people live life in mansions. Most of us end up somewhere in the middle of that.
So asking "why" in a situation doesn't really seem helpful. You can waste lots of time and energy there. Because the question isn't really why, it's why me? Why should I have to suffer? Why can't I have what I want when I want it? Why isn't my life working the way I want it to? It's presumes that if life isn't handing you a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates something in the universe is not working correctly.
God knows how small I am. How I struggle and fail. The cracks in foundation are there, baby.
In the middle of this intersection then, I get to look at the paths. I get to choose. I don't want to sit on the fork and ask why and go nowhere. Cracked and small, He still wants me. I don't know the outcome of this change of plans. The story is still in its middle. No skipping to the end.
My dream has changed. It has faces. It has cost. It has Jesus holding his hand out in front of me, saying 'Come'.
There's not much more I can articulate right now. This chick likes to have a 5 year plan and right now all I have is the next 5 minutes. All I know is that I am in love with a man named Jesus and he's calling my name. So I'm going to obey His call. Wherever that leads. Wherever it goes.
And trust that along the way He will drench my soul in color. We will stand at the edge of the world and breathe the air together. And sometimes my Lord and I will dance in the sunshine on the edge of the road.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
My Coke Addiction
Hi. My name is Crystal and I'm a coke-aholic.
And by that I mean Coca Cola. Before you roll your eyes or snigger or sit stoically and read further, let me just say, I honestly have a problem.
I didn't know I had a problem until I tried to quit drinking my 4 diet cokes a day. And tried again. And again. And again.
Well dang.
So in response to my obvious inability to give up Coke Zero, it was clear that it had more of a mastery over my life then was appropriate. I had made coke zero or diet coke something that I needed to function. To be happy. To be satisfied. It was filling God's places in my heart.
I have been really surprised how hard it's been to give up soda. For example, today I tried to wrestle a coke out of my friend's hand and begged for a sip of my other friend's at lunch. People are starting to look at me with pity in their eyes.
I might be living under a bridge soon. Please visit haha
But in all seriousness, this struggle has given me a window into people who also have addictions to drugs or alcohol or self harm in new ways. Ways that help me to be more compassionate and pray more fervently for freedom for them. Because I am them.
A friend asked me today how my heart is doing with this, and it's in rebellion. I want to have my cokes, because it's not a "bad" addiction. I find all kinds of ways to rationalize my issues.
And then I hear the words: You shall have no other gods before Me.
Le sigh.
Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.
Romans 6:16 NLT
And by that I mean Coca Cola. Before you roll your eyes or snigger or sit stoically and read further, let me just say, I honestly have a problem.
I didn't know I had a problem until I tried to quit drinking my 4 diet cokes a day. And tried again. And again. And again.
Well dang.
So in response to my obvious inability to give up Coke Zero, it was clear that it had more of a mastery over my life then was appropriate. I had made coke zero or diet coke something that I needed to function. To be happy. To be satisfied. It was filling God's places in my heart.
I have been really surprised how hard it's been to give up soda. For example, today I tried to wrestle a coke out of my friend's hand and begged for a sip of my other friend's at lunch. People are starting to look at me with pity in their eyes.
I might be living under a bridge soon. Please visit haha
But in all seriousness, this struggle has given me a window into people who also have addictions to drugs or alcohol or self harm in new ways. Ways that help me to be more compassionate and pray more fervently for freedom for them. Because I am them.
A friend asked me today how my heart is doing with this, and it's in rebellion. I want to have my cokes, because it's not a "bad" addiction. I find all kinds of ways to rationalize my issues.
And then I hear the words: You shall have no other gods before Me.
Le sigh.
Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.
Romans 6:16 NLT
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Our Passionate God - Notes from Crash I heart Jesus week 2
Personally. Deeply. Passionately. Loved.
You.
Most of us have heard the song, Jesus Loves Me.
Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
But there is a huge disconnect from thought or the concept of God loving me, to the deeply held belief--knowing in your soul, in your gut, that God loves me.
I really believe that thousands of people who would say that they follow Jesus, don't understand how much they are loved by God. It's just a truth like the sky is blue. It's there, and I accept it, but it doesn't really affect my life or my heart deeply.
God loves you so much that he knows how many hairs are on your head. He knows what you are going to say before you say it. He loves you with the passion of a lover, the compassion of a father, the interest of an artist in his masterpiece. He loves you enough to pursue you in the middle of your brokenness and sin. He loves you when you forget him. He loves you when it hurts him to love you.
God has a vital and unending interest in you.
and his everlasting arms are under you. Deut 33: 27
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
Jeremiah 31:3
The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
You.
Most of us have heard the song, Jesus Loves Me.
Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
But there is a huge disconnect from thought or the concept of God loving me, to the deeply held belief--knowing in your soul, in your gut, that God loves me.
I really believe that thousands of people who would say that they follow Jesus, don't understand how much they are loved by God. It's just a truth like the sky is blue. It's there, and I accept it, but it doesn't really affect my life or my heart deeply.
God loves you so much that he knows how many hairs are on your head. He knows what you are going to say before you say it. He loves you with the passion of a lover, the compassion of a father, the interest of an artist in his masterpiece. He loves you enough to pursue you in the middle of your brokenness and sin. He loves you when you forget him. He loves you when it hurts him to love you.
God has a vital and unending interest in you.
Exodus 34:14
You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.
Jealous: qanna' hebrew not bearing any rival. or ardent zeal
Last week my husband was in South Africa on a writing trip for his work. He told me in passing that he went up a mountain to watch a sunset with an Italian girl. And immediately I was like, wait...what? You went where? With who? And for how long? And why?
I love my husband. My love for him demands exclusive rights to his heart and his time and his sunsets. I don't want to share him with any other woman.
God. Loves. You. Like a jealous boyfriend or husband. He wants your heart. Not just your acknowledgement of his existence, but your passionate affection given in response to his. Here is a passage from Hosea where God talks about his affections and his intentions toward Israel.
The eternal God is your refuge,Last week my husband was in South Africa on a writing trip for his work. He told me in passing that he went up a mountain to watch a sunset with an Italian girl. And immediately I was like, wait...what? You went where? With who? And for how long? And why?
I love my husband. My love for him demands exclusive rights to his heart and his time and his sunsets. I don't want to share him with any other woman.
God. Loves. You. Like a jealous boyfriend or husband. He wants your heart. Not just your acknowledgement of his existence, but your passionate affection given in response to his. Here is a passage from Hosea where God talks about his affections and his intentions toward Israel.
I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the Lord.
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the Lord.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master. Hosea 2: 12-16
Is this a disinterested God? Is this relationship impersonal? Doesn't it remind you of a passage out of a romance novel? How many of you have seen the Passion of the Christ? I love that movie for a lot of reasons, but I love the title. Jesus was thinking of you and me that night. He looked ahead to the time he would create us and that night when they beat him, when they spit on him, when he was gasping for breath on the cross he was looking across time at you and me and loving us.
Tattoos are pretty common among couples. Some of them are cute. Some of them are unfortunate. Sometimes you get a tat prematurely in a relationship and have to get it removed or changed later haha. Nick Cannon tattooed Mariah across his entire back, so that's going to need to be a lasting relationship. hahaha! Guess what, ladies. God loves you so deeply he has tattooed your name on his hands.
Isaiah 49:15-16
For the next 20 minutes ladies, there is paper and pens on your table. I want you to take Exodus 34:14 and journal on it. Write down the verse. What does it say? What does it mean? What does it mean to me? How does it affect your heart to know that God is jealous for your affections? Do you believe that God fiercely loves you?
One of the things I've not only heard from people, I've felt it too, is the question about being known. Fill in the blank is happening. Does God not see how I'm suffering? Does he not see me struggling? Doesn't he know I'm lonely. He's so quiet, doesn't he care?
I've been watching the Bachelor this season, and what is the one thing he always tells the girls at the beginning? I want you to stick around, accept the rose, blah blah blah so I can get to know you better. There is a connection between being known and being loved. It's like peanut butter and jelly. :) You can't have one without the other. What is it about being known that we need? But we deeply do. Let's talk about social media for a second. How many of us have a facebook or an instagram account? Or a twitter? Or all three plus several others and a blog? Hahaha! I'm so guilty of this! How many selfies do we post as the human race every day? Why do we need to tell other people what we are having for lunch? We want to be known. We want to be acknowledged. We want to be affirmed. So just like Juan Pablo, the truth is that we don't really feel like we can love or be loved without also being known. It's about intimacy. It's about friendship. At the bottom of it, it's about mattering and self worth. Oh yes, sisters, Christ knows you.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139: 4-5
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10: 29-30
As i think about the amount of words I say a day, and the content of them, that verse is a little terrifying haha. How much more deeply can we be known, ladies then to have our personal God know each word before we say it. To take the time to count the hairs on our heads. Hair is such a temporary thing. I shed hair like a sheepdog. The count on my head changes on a daily sometimes hourly basis. My God is interested enough in me to keep updated on my changing hair count. That not only blows my mind, it gives me security. I am known. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hilarious, the blond, the fears, the joys, the deep things in me. I am known. And you are known.
And this is how long we will be passionately known and loved, girls. Forever. God will never get bored. Or tired. Or give up on you and I.
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master. Hosea 2: 12-16
Is this a disinterested God? Is this relationship impersonal? Doesn't it remind you of a passage out of a romance novel? How many of you have seen the Passion of the Christ? I love that movie for a lot of reasons, but I love the title. Jesus was thinking of you and me that night. He looked ahead to the time he would create us and that night when they beat him, when they spit on him, when he was gasping for breath on the cross he was looking across time at you and me and loving us.
Tattoos are pretty common among couples. Some of them are cute. Some of them are unfortunate. Sometimes you get a tat prematurely in a relationship and have to get it removed or changed later haha. Nick Cannon tattooed Mariah across his entire back, so that's going to need to be a lasting relationship. hahaha! Guess what, ladies. God loves you so deeply he has tattooed your name on his hands.
Isaiah 49:15-16
Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!
16 See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!
16 See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
For the next 20 minutes ladies, there is paper and pens on your table. I want you to take Exodus 34:14 and journal on it. Write down the verse. What does it say? What does it mean? What does it mean to me? How does it affect your heart to know that God is jealous for your affections? Do you believe that God fiercely loves you?
One of the things I've not only heard from people, I've felt it too, is the question about being known. Fill in the blank is happening. Does God not see how I'm suffering? Does he not see me struggling? Doesn't he know I'm lonely. He's so quiet, doesn't he care?
I've been watching the Bachelor this season, and what is the one thing he always tells the girls at the beginning? I want you to stick around, accept the rose, blah blah blah so I can get to know you better. There is a connection between being known and being loved. It's like peanut butter and jelly. :) You can't have one without the other. What is it about being known that we need? But we deeply do. Let's talk about social media for a second. How many of us have a facebook or an instagram account? Or a twitter? Or all three plus several others and a blog? Hahaha! I'm so guilty of this! How many selfies do we post as the human race every day? Why do we need to tell other people what we are having for lunch? We want to be known. We want to be acknowledged. We want to be affirmed. So just like Juan Pablo, the truth is that we don't really feel like we can love or be loved without also being known. It's about intimacy. It's about friendship. At the bottom of it, it's about mattering and self worth. Oh yes, sisters, Christ knows you.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139: 4-5
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10: 29-30
As i think about the amount of words I say a day, and the content of them, that verse is a little terrifying haha. How much more deeply can we be known, ladies then to have our personal God know each word before we say it. To take the time to count the hairs on our heads. Hair is such a temporary thing. I shed hair like a sheepdog. The count on my head changes on a daily sometimes hourly basis. My God is interested enough in me to keep updated on my changing hair count. That not only blows my mind, it gives me security. I am known. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hilarious, the blond, the fears, the joys, the deep things in me. I am known. And you are known.
And this is how long we will be passionately known and loved, girls. Forever. God will never get bored. Or tired. Or give up on you and I.
and his everlasting arms are under you. Deut 33: 27
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
Jeremiah 31:3
The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
Go ahead and underline the words in those verses that have to do with time. What are they? What does eternal mean? What does everlasting mean? What does steadfast mean? What does unfailing mean?
The heartbeat of our faith girls, is that we are loved. We are loved passionately, deeply, intimately by a God who will stop at nothing to get our attention and save our lives. The Bible says that Jesus is the expression of the glory of the Father. The glory and the holiness and the power that makes the stars shine and the sun shine folded himself up into clay and dust to run like an arrow to a painful humiliating death and did it with joy. He did it for love. He loves us. Oh. How he loves us. Love like this demands a response.
The heartbeat of our faith girls, is that we are loved. We are loved passionately, deeply, intimately by a God who will stop at nothing to get our attention and save our lives. The Bible says that Jesus is the expression of the glory of the Father. The glory and the holiness and the power that makes the stars shine and the sun shine folded himself up into clay and dust to run like an arrow to a painful humiliating death and did it with joy. He did it for love. He loves us. Oh. How he loves us. Love like this demands a response.
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. Mark 12:30
God wants nothing less than every part of your being. This Qanna God. He desires you. How do we respond? What does this look like for you today? If you aren't a part of his tribe, his people this is the time to choose him. If you already belong to Jesus what does this love say to you today? Be refreshed in it. As we sing this song ask God where in your heart, in your soul, in your mind and with your strength you can love him more.
God wants nothing less than every part of your being. This Qanna God. He desires you. How do we respond? What does this look like for you today? If you aren't a part of his tribe, his people this is the time to choose him. If you already belong to Jesus what does this love say to you today? Be refreshed in it. As we sing this song ask God where in your heart, in your soul, in your mind and with your strength you can love him more.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Usually sometime between December and January I sit down and take an inventory of the past year and think out goals for the coming year. Despite really wanting to, I've not been able to find time to do that yet. I meant to at the Trust Home, but it didn't happen. We were actually pretty busy from dawn to dusk.
Before we left, Jesus had been taking me through Proverbs 31. And I find myself drawn there again.
This year is crystalizing for me into one theme, be a woman of integrity. Raise your game.
What jumped out at me in reading this proverb, is how much of a business woman the Prov 31 woman is. She buys, sells, creates, raises a family, blesses her husband, cares for the needy. Has a good reputation in her home and her community.
I want to be that woman.
I can see areas in my life that I let slip last year. So this call feels higher up and further in.
Let me love Jesus more so that his character shines in everything I do, business and career, church and ministry, family and husband.
Before we left, Jesus had been taking me through Proverbs 31. And I find myself drawn there again.
This year is crystalizing for me into one theme, be a woman of integrity. Raise your game.
What jumped out at me in reading this proverb, is how much of a business woman the Prov 31 woman is. She buys, sells, creates, raises a family, blesses her husband, cares for the needy. Has a good reputation in her home and her community.
I want to be that woman.
I can see areas in my life that I let slip last year. So this call feels higher up and further in.
Let me love Jesus more so that his character shines in everything I do, business and career, church and ministry, family and husband.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Proverbs 31:30-31
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Bacon, Nepal and Thank You.
Sunday mornings are for crispy bacon at Carrolls.
This particular morning Sunday was also for belly laughs. The kind that start in your gut and uncontrollably jump out. The kind that make the people around you roll their eyes or join in on the laugh. The kind of laugh that you can have because you know your friend and you know why her sobbing over the story of a rescued seal waving goodbye is the funniest thing you've heard all week.
So over crispy bacon, and after a good seal story, the conversation turned to Nepal. The little country next to India that, in my head, is colorful, dusty, and liberally sprinkled with huge snow covered mountain ranges. I get to go there next week. On a missions trip with my church.
And so honestly, because bacon brings out honesty, I told my friends the truth.
That I was wondering why I had signed up for this trip. The timing was bad. My finances were off. I didn't feel like I was contributing anything to the trip or the team.
I felt, this morning, like a failure. With a capital F.
Maybe it's a product of my childhood as an MK. Maybe it's pride. But for whatever reason, I have been used to earning my way. If I travel for work or fun or missions, either I'm working or I have paid my own way.
Right before Christmas circumstances came up that drained the money I was going to use for the trip, and left me to start over. Every plan I've had to raise money on my own through work has fallen through.
So, this morning as I was telling my friends how much of a failure I feel in it, my dear friend Carter said, "well, maybe God wants you to receive this trip as a gift." And went on to say that I should just be this time and not do.
That's hard for me, friends! If I'm not serving or helping, I don't know what to do. It feels like that awkward moment in pictures where you don't know what to do with your hands. Or in a group of friends like you are the new girl.
But I think that is exactly what Jesus wants me to do this time. Because he has provided for me. All of the sudden people have given anonymously to my trip, and the finances are taking care of themselves.
So I want to say thank you to each of you that gave and helped me out. I want to hug your faces. Thank you for teaching me that it's ok to receive sometimes. Even though I hate it and immediately want to give back to each of you haha.
We leave on Saturday at the ungodly hour of 4 am, and I want to go quietly.
Ready to be still with Jesus and to receive.
This particular morning Sunday was also for belly laughs. The kind that start in your gut and uncontrollably jump out. The kind that make the people around you roll their eyes or join in on the laugh. The kind of laugh that you can have because you know your friend and you know why her sobbing over the story of a rescued seal waving goodbye is the funniest thing you've heard all week.
So over crispy bacon, and after a good seal story, the conversation turned to Nepal. The little country next to India that, in my head, is colorful, dusty, and liberally sprinkled with huge snow covered mountain ranges. I get to go there next week. On a missions trip with my church.
And so honestly, because bacon brings out honesty, I told my friends the truth.
That I was wondering why I had signed up for this trip. The timing was bad. My finances were off. I didn't feel like I was contributing anything to the trip or the team.
I felt, this morning, like a failure. With a capital F.
Maybe it's a product of my childhood as an MK. Maybe it's pride. But for whatever reason, I have been used to earning my way. If I travel for work or fun or missions, either I'm working or I have paid my own way.
Right before Christmas circumstances came up that drained the money I was going to use for the trip, and left me to start over. Every plan I've had to raise money on my own through work has fallen through.
So, this morning as I was telling my friends how much of a failure I feel in it, my dear friend Carter said, "well, maybe God wants you to receive this trip as a gift." And went on to say that I should just be this time and not do.
That's hard for me, friends! If I'm not serving or helping, I don't know what to do. It feels like that awkward moment in pictures where you don't know what to do with your hands. Or in a group of friends like you are the new girl.
But I think that is exactly what Jesus wants me to do this time. Because he has provided for me. All of the sudden people have given anonymously to my trip, and the finances are taking care of themselves.
So I want to say thank you to each of you that gave and helped me out. I want to hug your faces. Thank you for teaching me that it's ok to receive sometimes. Even though I hate it and immediately want to give back to each of you haha.
We leave on Saturday at the ungodly hour of 4 am, and I want to go quietly.
Ready to be still with Jesus and to receive.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Excuses
Everyone has them.
I use them.
I wonder how life would be different if we took responsibility for our weakness
Instead of making excuses.
I use them.
I wonder how life would be different if we took responsibility for our weakness
Instead of making excuses.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Community Parte Uno
People are made for people. If there is anything this year has taught me it's that we can't do life alone. And being alone in it makes us unhealthy and takes us further from God, instead of closer to him. In the midst of this aha moment, though, comes another truth. People are a mess.
It's true in the church and it's true outside of the church. The human race is made up of people who don't live what they believe and are hypocritical and fail. People without Jesus do it continually because without Jesus that's all we know how to do. Please ourselves. Fill up the holes however we can, usually most quickly with what feels best. With Jesus, the goal is when we fall down, to get back up. To operate out of forgiveness and grace to ourselves and to those around us.
With the expectation, that our Jesus family and friends will fail. Will fall. Will hurt us. Because we are human, not divine. And we will do the same to them.
Jesus makes us new. Babies. Born over to grow again. Part of the growing process is falling down and getting back up.
So in community this is what it looks like:
Jesus starts with the individual. He says you love God with your whole being and then you love the people around you the way you love yourself.
So guess what. It doesn't start with how people are treating you, it starts with how you are treating other people.
Love your neighbor. Not that your neighbor has to love you. That's not what the scripture says. In fact, it says the opposite of that.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matthew 5:43-45
And here is what love looks like: (paraphrased)
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude
It is not envious.
It does not dishonor others.
It is not selfish.
It is not angered quickly.
It keeps no list of faults or wrongs.
Love loves truth.
Love does not enjoy wickedness.
Love protects.
Love trusts.
Love perseveres.
Love hopes for the best.
Love does not end.
How is that for a list to start with. I look at that list and I know how many times I fail to treat the people in my life that way: my husband, my family, my friends, my Crash girls, my clients.
The point is not to hold ourselves to a standard of perfection. The point is to start asking God to change us into people that behave like that list. No matter what situation we encounter ourselves in. We are called to be like Christ. To pick our crosses up and deny ourselves. Die to pleasing ourselves first.
James 3 says this:
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
For where you have envy and selfish ambition you have disorder and every evil practice. So true. What is envy? It is wanting what someone else has. Position or possession, and it's wanting them not to have it. It's a wall between you and that person. It's greed. Selfish ambition is about making sure it's me first. Everyone notice me. I'm good, great and so fabulous you should know about me. It's taking God off his throne in your life and putting yourself squarely on it. It bears no fruit of life in you or in the people you are around.
In fact James here calls that kind of thought process demonic.
Yikes.
But the wisdom from heaven is peace loving.
Submissive.
Considerate.
Full of mercy.
Impartial.
Sincere.
What if we all start from that place with our church family? Not what have they done for me lately, but what am I doing for them?
Paradigm shift.
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