More Thoughts

Tonight a friend posted a story on the pitfalls of social networking. Part of the business of being a photographer is that you are also in the business of selling your personality. It means a lot of time online and a lot of time posting and talking about yourself. Having said that, two of the issues he brought up hit kind of home for me. One is the issue of narcissism, and the other one was the possibility of online relationships becoming inappropriate. I was thinking about the narcissism thing tonight at the gym. Especially after having written that last post about using I every other word. It's true that my job does require that of me, but it's also true that one of my major love languages is words. I like to be told that I'm nice, pretty, talented all of the above especially if the words seem genuine. Maybe I cross the line too much with all the posting. Maybe I care too much when nobody jumps right in with compliments or kindness. I don't think it's wrong to accept verbal affirmations, but maybe it's wrong to seek it all the time. This quote from the Calvary Road seems especially appropriate:

"The Lord Jesus cannot live in us fully and reveal Himself through until the proud self within us is broken. This simply means that the hard unyielding self, which justifies itself, wants its own way, stands up for its rights, and seeks its own glory, at last bows its head to God's will, admits its wrong, gives up its own way to Jesus, surrenders its rights and discards its own glory - that the Lord Jesus might have all and be all. In other words it is dying to self and self-attitudes."

Gosh, if I'm honest, I seek my own glory a lot. And yet the irony is that all of my talent is a loan from God and my success flows directly from him as well. It was a surprise to me to learn how many of the top photographers, actually, photographers in general are sincere Christians. But maybe that shouldn't be a surprise since we serve a creative God who loves people. (=

The other part about online relationships is a good reminder/warning. I love that you, O Internet, have reconnected me to people I grew up with in Bolivia, my cousins in Canada and CA, people I meet on vacation, and friends from college. It's so awesome to pray for and communicate with all of them. Ryan reminded me tonight that he and I will have been a we for 12 years coming up soon. That's a long time. It would be easy for one or both of us to get bored and find someone else to interact with. It's easy access. I need to be mindful of guarding my heart and loving my online community with a love that is based in grace and truth.

Things to ponder. Things to work on. It's a rainy night, and I think I am going to go make some Kenyan tea and go to bed. Later!

Prayer and Discipleship

Hi Internet! I am going to address you as a person because I like the conversational tone, and hey, it's my blog and therefore my party. (= I had a moment last night where I wondered if I use this on a regular basis, what if I talk about "I" too much. You know like that dreaded interview question, define your weaknesses and your strengths? Hate that question. There is no way you want to come off as a braggart or a terrible person so I always fudged my way through that hoping not to look too much like an ass in either direction. But I digress. I guess since this is supposed to be my online journal "i" can make appearances. Just know, Internet, that if I start sounding too self absorbed you can tell me. (=

So, God has been working in me over the last year saying that perhaps someone should be interested in the college age kids that go to church with us. Half a year and several discussions later, it looks like I have a little small group of ladies starting up. Ok, truth? I am terrified. 2 of the girls are my sisters, which, means they will be honest with me. Which is good. But mostly I know that I am a seriously flawed individual and I am scared of messing up and therefore messing them up. But a Sarah Wetzel took an interest in me in highschool and her discipleship helped to form the foundation of my Christian worldview and I still look at that period of time as super growth in Jesus. These ladies are wonderful people and they are facing a lot more issues than I had to in becoming a young woman. Mostly, it would be good just to be together in community and study the Bible. I love Roy Hession's book The Calvary Road. Found somewhere to download it for FrrrEEEEEE...yes! So we might use that as well as start out in the book of Galations. (freedom in Christ, Christian identity) Anyway our first meeting is Valentines Day the 14 of February. Nice. (= Some chocolate eating, I mean prayer, haha might be in order.

So Internet, I have been praying about it, and I want to leave it in God's hands. My puny efforts are meaningless unless He makes it work.

Thursday calls to me. Have a good day!

Meanderings

I don't know if it was the trip to Nica or just my soul that needs to take a breather sometimes. Either way, it was nice to pause. My pastor gave me a book to read called Helping the Poor Without Hurting Them or Ourselves. Nice title right? Catchy. (= For some reason I've lost the ability to sleep in when I am somewhere new, so every morning on the island I snuck outside while Misty was sleeping and my snazzy new book and I had some quality time. Max Lucado came too. Come Thirsty was the name of the devotional. No distractions, no cell phone, no internet. Just the sunshine and the breeze and God. Pretty close to perfect.

Relationship with God is the wellspring of our being as humans, but my spring gets so blocked up. I admit to feeling pretty apathetic. I love love my job, but it also demands a lot of time and so do my relationships with friends, family and Ryan. And wanting to succeed in life and business often replaces wanting to be near to God, and without me even realizing it. So things that God reminded me of in that week we spent together: I need to shut up and listen, take time to be still. God is my source and my success. People matter more than awards and recognition. I have more than I could ever ask or imagine in material and spiritual wealth, give thanks more often.

Especially in the trip to the House of Hope. Those little girls broke my heart. They attached themselves to each hand and followed Brittney, Misty and I around the entire time. One especially just wanted to be hugged and touched lovingly. I cannot even fathom what their lives have been like in the brothels, and then I have the audacity to complain about my cushy life. So God was pretty clear about perspective. Oh, and by the way, waterproof mascara is definitely needed for the trip back in March. I am not going to be able to translate their stories without losing it. Truth.

So what is all this rambling about Internet diary? Bottom line, God is full of graciousness and mercy toward me every day whether I recognize it or not. Frustrations are going to come around but I need to stop in those moments and remember mornings in the breeze and God saying remember what you have and give thanks.

And thank God for friends and laughs. Misty makes my heart happy. A truly lovely, unique individual. One of my two favorite redheads. (= Funny story, last night of our trip we were eating dinner at our fave local restaurant(fish was to die for) and we got hit on by two random American dudes. Pick up line to Misty: Is your hair naturally red? ( Yes) I bet you have a Nica boyfriend(No) I bet you have students calling you diablo. (No wierdo) Pick up line to me: People aren't nice to me, you are nice to me. (??) You guys want to go get pizza? (as we sit eating dinner in front of him) I swear we thought they were running away from the law. (=

Goodnight!

PS. I forgot I had this diary available...will post more often....