Sunday, December 27, 2015

The End of 2015

I've sorely neglected this blog.  It's been a long year.  Lots to do that left no time for deep meanderings online.

I wrote a letter to a friend tonight that turned reflective, and I thought you know, it would be a bad idea to let this year go without some written remembering.  So here goes.

This year I quit my job as a photographer. 

This year I signed up for full time ministry.

In the interests of wisdom I won't write everything down that happened this year.  Just highlights.

January started out with most people I served with telling me that I wouldn't be able to lead Crash well.  I had to change it or it would fail, because of who I am as a person.  It wasn't one person it was many.  Several.  I had a lot of nights where God and I had heart to hearts about Crash.  Is this really really really what I'm supposed to do?  That was a journey of 4 months.  April 1st I signed the paperwork to be a church employee.  That still makes me gag a little haha. 

Here's what I learned in those four months.  If God tells you to do something.  Do it.  Don't listen to the voices that tell you no.  Be kind and be patient to the ones who tell you to stop or that you will fail.  It's not my job to be judge and jury.  Resentment gets you nowhere.  Build a bridge of forgiveness.  Encourage your own heart with who God is and who you are in Him.  Perseverance wins.

April to May was a lot of stumbling around in the dark.  That's what it felt like for me anyway ;)

The summer was I Am and learning that God moves in obedience.  That there is nothing worth doing unless He is driving it.  It was finding my feet under me and seeing life unfurl like green leaves to the sun. 

Somewhere in there Foster Hope and 15 beautiful and damaged girls fell into our lives. 

Nicaragua got off the ground again as God knit Hellen and NI with us. 

We had baptisms, we had lots of Friday mornings, we had hard conversations and freedom.  We had girls understand God as their Father.  We had salvations and growth.

We also had girls leave.  Hearts that felt like failures to me when they went. 

I had to apologize when I made mistakes.  A lot.

Friendships that I had held close changed.  Friendships that I've loved for a long time flourished.  Friends that had drifted a little came close again. 

I look ahead to 2016 and I have no idea.  I have no idea what to do.  Where to go.  I don't know how to bring the understanding of Christ to these 15 young girls from the hardest parts of life.  I don't know how to lead 30 women leaders toward Christ and sharpen them into disciplemakers and sold out women of God.  I don't know how to take Crash and make it a place of hope and life and refreshing.  I am afraid that the burden of a mission field is too much for our little community to carry by itself. 

I stand at the edge of 2016 and part of me wants to lay down this burden and go back to safety and easy with a camera.  The other part of me wants to lean in and run ahead with enthusiasm the race. 

Jesus will you be enough in 2016?  You were enough this year.  More than enough.  I need you.  If you don't carry me, my girls and this crash community into what you have for us, we are toast. 

There is no point to us without you.  Be our Hope.  Be our strength and our direction for the journey. 

You are the point and the process.  Be enough. 

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