Obsession

Sour Patch Kids, Sweettarts, Sour Skittles, Sour Jelly Bellies.  Pretty much if it's sour, I'll eat it.  LOVE green apples, and kinda greenish bananas too.  It's a problem.  Kind of an obsession.  And I will eat them till I get those sores on my tongue from too much acid.  It's so worth it though. 

Celos

Ah, the green monster.  You make your appearance again.  It's a good thing we aren't made like mood rings, cuz everyone would know how I'm feeling right now.

Playing Games

For the record, having a 3 year old niece is so super fun.  Babies are great and all, but now J has thoughts and ideas and hanging out with her is constant entertainment.  For example, last night we played hide and seek.  But J's attention span is super short so when it was her turn to hide I "looked" in the bathtub, in the cupboard, (ignoring the giggling coming from the closet) and behind the couch....but apparently I was taking too long, cuz an impatient voice announced, "I'm in the closet!"

And then Uncle Ryan came home and hid on top of the fridge. Which was entertaining for both J and I.  Ever seen a 6 foot 2" guy on top of a fridge? ;) 

Simultaneous Blogging and Other Important Things

Since my photo blog is being difficult and taking forever to load...I shall blog here also.

As previously reported, there is loads of takeaway from spending a week filming a reality show.  There is one overarching thread that runs through each area though, and that is self love.  Or obsession with self.  Or narcissism.  Whichever wordy phrase you want to use, what it all boils down to is selfishness.  Wow, I'm a selfish person.  And really good at justifying it.  It shows up in all kinds of small ways.  Last night, for example, I was laying in bed surfing facebook, (It's what I do) reminiscing about the New York trip with Faith and wishing to travel again....so I changed my profile picture.  It's one I like from that trip,  right before we went out to a show.

The comments immediately flowed in.  Sweet, kind, very nice comments about how cute the picture was.  And my heart lapped them up like cream.  Actually, it was kind of embarrassing as well as satisfying.  How do you respond to these things without looking like an ass?  And what God pointed out as I was laying there was this:  I am vain.  I am insecure.  I am too focused on myself.

The flip side of this is that today I'm working on Project 52.   These women are something to aspire to.  They show me, teach me, remind me...what is real.  What lasts.  I hope that this journey inspires and teaches lots of women as a whole, but really what I am learning is that I am the one who needs to learn. 

So here it is.  This is me, today.  Actually all week.  And this is how I feel 98% of the time.  Not that cute.  Not that pretty.  Just a human fumbling her way through her life and grateful for forgiveness. 

 you stole your way into me

until looking at you was a mirror

and I understood what soul mate 

really means

Enough

Oh my gosh.  Facepalm.  I hate my promo video for Shutter Wars.   Hate. It.   I have a lot of self improvement reflection coming out of this experience, but let's just start with the video for today.  You know it's bad when your sister agrees with you. haha.

SO, goal number whatever for this year:  drop 15 pounds.  Like pronto.  Like yesterday.  Get healthy.  Turn the slow burn into overdrive with exercise and work it OUT.

The end.

Back to life, back to reality

It was good in all possible ways to end the week at Thirsty.  In worship, with my Jesus family, and the reminder that what matters and what remains is not in chasing fame or fortune.  Glad for the experience of last week.  Glad for the friendships established and glad for the humility I learned again.  In a good way. 

And now back to our regularly scheduled life.

It's interesting as an artist that creating can be a very spiritual experience. I had chosen the picture I thought I wanted to submit tonight and there was still unrest in me. After going back through my film I ended up choosing something completely different and in that final moment after the edit...there was peace. And recognition of the right choice. A good reminder to listen to the still small voice that directs my soul...saying here is the way, walk in it.

I sit in a McDs tonight researching ideas on the interwebs,(because there is no net connection at the apt) and although I'm sleepy, slightly stressed and uncertain about tomorrow.....I'm so glad I did this.  I've been stretched.  And streeeetched.  And STREEEETTTCHED.  Far beyond my comfort zone.  Good things can only come of this. Today was exciting.  Tomorrow promises to be more so. 

Two observations from today: 1. Anybody who says that they met their model on craigslist is sketch!! Especially if the person speaking is an older man wearing a turtleneck. 2. I have a very hard time keeping a straight face and could never be an actress. 13 takes later....

Well, I've officially tried on every outfit I brought 3 times. Now just laying in bed watching the Golden Globes. Deniro is surprisingly funny and I've never seen Awakenings. It's now on the list. The butterflies are having a dance party in my gut. Tomorrow, tomorrow....

Linkin' over

Project 52 is here.  Check out the first post:  Carrie

Being True to my Tattoo

"the truth?  You can't handle the truth!" haha...well, since I have it indelibly inked on my bootie, as a friend is constantly reminding me...I guess I should throw it out there.

I. Am. Skeeeered.

However, I don't want to be lame and lose out because I was paralyzed with fear.  Nor do I want to whine incessantly about being handed the opportunity to lead. cough:moses:cough 

So this mixed up ball of butterflies and joy and fear and determination is going to drive her way up to DC Sunday night and get ready to shoot the best work she's ever done.  In Jesus name, Amen.

True North

"They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right...What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?" -Jon Stewart

She is brilliant and beautiful and smart.  One of the sweetest people I know.  And she is a runaway.  Maybe a better term would be a refugee, from Christianity.  And the thing is I understand at a gut level where she comes from when she says her religion is love.  

And I understand where her path will take her in the end if it continues.  To emptiness.  Because men can never fill you, and romance will not be a true north in this dirty world.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning though and look in the mirror and I know that only fingernails keep me hanging onto faith and the narrow path gets pretty darn steep sometimes.  

It's not elite, though to speak the truth.  And the point that Christians as a whole have missed is that it doesn't make us better than the rest of the world to say we are going to heaven, it should make us try as urgently as possible to get the rest of the world to go with us.  If the God we follow defines himself as LOVE, somewhere along the way that's gotten buried under tons of rubble.  The rubble of pride and arrogance and the forgotten realization when each of us looks in the mirror that we are capable of all the sins of the 10 commandments; and we commit them often.  

The truth is that the earth is f***ed up.  To pretend otherwise and try to make it otherwise usually ends in disillusion.  We are F-d up.  The only force that truly changes a human being from the inside out is love.  the LOVE.  

This chapter in Isaiah haunts me:

Why spend money on what is not bread,
   and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
   and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
   listen, that you may live. 

It just makes me unutterably sad and angry and yet it's a good gut check for me too.  Because I have days where I want to quit.  And seek love where I can find it under my own definitions.  But then I remember my true north. And keep climbing.

in the summer of delight
where easy is friends with laughter
and all we know is warm and golden

meet me under the trees
we can picnic and music
will either make us move
till we collapse in giggles
or doze lazy in the afternoon

while white clouds roll by

in the summer of happy
where tan skin and hot pink toenails
mingle with jean shorts and frisbee games

meet me there by the beach
where we can talk for hours
and perhaps cool the sun's sweet kiss
with the ocean's salty hug

and fireworks celebrate the night

in the summer let's linger
from each other's souls take a taste
pinky swear to forever

in the summer, meet me there

The Reoccuring Theme

Just finished writing up the lesson for Wednesday.  Excited about sharing it.  It's about grace.  Of course.  Hold on to your seats, folks, cuz whenever you talk about grace people throw tantrums.  Because we should all be able to work our way to heaven. 

Thank God it's not dependent on my clutzy, prone to sin self. 

In other news, I got to lunch with a friend I met in Nica today who is out here visiting.  God knits our hearts together in good and wonderful ways even when we meet halfway around the world. 

Another example of grace. 

Shot through the heart

I was a blubbering fool this morning watching his story. And deeply ashamed of the many times I drive by homeless people without stopping, and yup, sometimes I roll my eyes. Because I'm so much better. So much more....nothing. I had to stop and ask forgiveness this morning and resolve to be more like Jesus the next time I see a cardboard sign.

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Penchant

Isn't that a great word?  I like words that sound good rolling off the tongue and that aren't used to death in our slang ridden world. 

Anyway, I have a penchant for melancholy songs.  This is a good one. 

An Ode to the Taco

O Taco
You are so tasty
in your little tortilla shell

It is a late lunch
and I love to munch
on you, Taco.

Goals and Turning 33

New years resolutions seem like a waste of time.  Something you will do for a month and then quit doing.  I really like, at the end of a year, looking back honestly on what happened and things I can do better this year. 

So in that spirit, here are my goals for 2011:
Ahem.

Attain a healthy lifestyle that incorporates working out on a daily or every other daily basis.  ;)
Making more time for people.  Volunteering to be helpful and being more intentional about relationships.
(All of the above having mostly to do with church)
Working hard at Project 52 to make it as successful as possible.
Working hard for CGS to accomplish being published and giving my clients better service.
Helping the House of Hope to grow and serve more women.
Living a life that says Jesus.
Dance more.
Spend more time with my parents.

Figure out my life. ha.

This year I will be 33.  I do realize, of course, that this is in September and several months away.  But as I danced with the DJ at last night's wedding and we were chatting about life and love I realized that perhaps I am easily readable and also afraid to waste my time away until there is no opportunity left.

When asked to dance, always say yes.