I think the title of this blog is pretty ironic given that I haven't written anything on here in over a year.
However.
Tonight is the night.
I have had a bummer day. It started out pretty fantastic. My group of leader ladies met at Chik Fil A for chicken biscuits and frank discussion of racism and its effects on us. We focused on scripture and how do we as women of God respond. 4 or 5 of the ladies shared their experiences as black women, as moms, as daughters, as wives of police officers, as family members of people who've been a part of the recent riots. It was really powerful, and sweet and deep fellowship. I left this morning's meeting on a high, for sure.
I just laughed to myself at how quickly that turned around.
My leadership journey in a church has been a pretty bumpy ride. I think you can put the responsibility for that on a number of things, myself being one of them. I am, as I've been told, a passionate person with opinions. That's manifested in my life in a lot of ways - from stepping between family members in fights as a child, to pursuing a business as one of the few local female photographers at the time, to giving up dreams that I held dear for other things God had for me. God made my passionate self and over time forged it into a spine. A strong spine. A spine I'm not ashamed of. It takes strength to lay down dreams. It takes strength to stand in the gap for a family member who needs it. It takes strength to be married for 16 years. It takes strength to be the new girl on the block and go head to head with the boys and make a name. It takes strength and courage and faith. I don't say that to say that my strength separates me from God, not at all. My strength is born out of and directly from everything He's put in my life and how He's led me through it. I am only strong because I've submitted to Him in those situations and seen the value of perserverance, and let Him build my character.
Out of that character He's made me a leader.
So in this first year and a half or so of leadership the consistent lesson has continued to be: perserverance. Staying in the conversation.
Staying put when my leadership didn't believe I could lead.
Obeying when God said to write my first bible study ever last summer.
Persisting with Nicaragua when I was referred to in some derogatory ways for that persistence because God loves those women in those chairs.
Persisting with women who struggle with deep issues that take time and patience and lots of scripture and prayer to root out.
Persisting with one of my pastors to learn communication styles and learning to respect and value that partnership.
Staying in the conversation about sex offenders in the church when it wasn't super popular to begin with, and learning where I made mistakes in my communication.
And then today. One of the hardest ones yet. It's such a long drawn out situation. It involves multiple people, discipleships, friendships, my mentor and a whole family. This year I've checked, rechecked, and checked my heart again. I checked my heart again Tuesday and went to make sure I wasn't making things up and having a narrow ugly view. I hate this so much because saying what I have said, what I think needs to be said puts me in conflict with people I respect and care for. But not saying it is negligent, and maybe even sin, as a leader in the church.
To tell you that I came home and laid on my bed for 3 hours and listened to worship music is absolutely true.
To tell you that someone whose opinion I value a great deal questions my character because of this, is true.
To tell you that I don't know what to do except pray is true.
God put me in this situation for some reason. I didn't go looking for it. So I believe He wants my voice in it or He wants me to learn OR maybe both.
I was thinking today about a conversation I had with a girl this week and how I was encouraging her that facing her issues and tackling them wasn't pleasant but it was necessary to grow and to become the person she wants to be. So do the work, and quit whining. Haha. Essentially. This post feels a little bit like whining, except I don't want to whine. I want to remember today--I need to remember today that all of the other things have been with purpose and that God gave me strength for a reason.
I've been listening to Through All of It a lot today. I'll leave you with this. He's the foundation of my life through every circumstance.
I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
