As a kid I would imagine my life. Often it was as a glamorous woman with long hair and a great wardrobe. (I wanted to be a model and a singer. Someone a little like Jem and the Holograms) Sometimes it was like I would pretend in my backyard playhouse: husband, kids, dinner and cleaning. Last night at Crash we were talking about where in life God has asked us to take risks, or where we have obeyed God and it was a risky business. No Tom Cruise in sight.
It seems that after college life became a series of crisis situations or crash and burns. Not so much to me or by me or in me but most definitely in the people closest to me. This week has been another crisis week. Honestly, it feels a little bit like maybe my family is cursed. And it makes me feel dirty by association. A big part of my heart has been curled up in a corner hiding in the dark. Waiting for it to go away. This monster that pursues us. On the outside, I've been functioning. Working. Counseling. Laughing.
I've been trying to find God in this. Or see Him. Or the purpose of it. We've had words, God and I. We are still having them. So last night I was telling a story about one of my sisters and how I obeyed God in it even though I didn't want to and it felt risky because I wasn't controlling it.
There was blessing in that obedience.
So in this new part of an old story I want to do the same. I might feel like falling apart. But I won't. I won't give up. Not on God. Not on my family.
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