This Year

As I listened to my friend talk about that day in February tonight, my own memories came back.  This year has been a chart of highs and lows and not much level in between.

This is what it has been: 

The horrific drive back to the hospital.  Being alone in the car behind the van crying out to God with all my soul for this not to be.  For my friend to have her child back.

Having to photograph a wedding the very next day for two other friends.

Stuffing my heart into a box so I could function.

Driving to the beach to try and take my heart out of the box.

The memorial service.

The joy and sorrow of grieving with people who love Jesus more than themselves.

The difficulties of discipleship and learning- sometimes the hardest way- how to love well and that leading is another word for getting to go last and serving humbly.  

Baptizing 4 of my friends this year.

Ruby accepting Christ.
Kiersten accepting Christ.
Hannah accepting Christ.


My friend who has stretched me further than I've gone before, but is so worth the stretching.  The joy in her face is worth it all.  Jesus. Amen.

Realizing where my path is turning for next year.  The fear and the exhilaration of that.

Miami.

The same friends whose wedding I photographed the day after Adora's passing, now facing breast cancer. 

The day to day turning of time with it's laughs and irritations and mundane-ness. 

Turning 35 and realizing again the finality of the decision to not have children.

Nicaragua.

Emily.

And now we have 2.5 months till the end of 2013 and I wonder what next.  I do feel like this battle that has been this year is not done.  It scares me and I want to hide in my room under the covers from the monsters that life has thrown at me this year.

But what Melissa said tonight is true.  The darkest valleys exist so Christ can shine brightest and so we can learn deeply what it means to be loved in the middle of it all by our Shepherd.

Jesus I want to love you more than anything.  More than I'm afraid of life's lows, or excited by the highs.  I want you to be my level ground that I stand on through all of it as we move forward to forever.

My Shepherd.  Lead on.