Sunday mornings are for crispy bacon at Carrolls.
This particular morning Sunday was also for belly laughs. The kind that start in your gut and uncontrollably jump out. The kind that make the people around you roll their eyes or join in on the laugh. The kind of laugh that you can have because you know your friend and you know why her sobbing over the story of a rescued seal waving goodbye is the funniest thing you've heard all week.
So over crispy bacon, and after a good seal story, the conversation turned to Nepal. The little country next to India that, in my head, is colorful, dusty, and liberally sprinkled with huge snow covered mountain ranges. I get to go there next week. On a missions trip with my church.
And so honestly, because bacon brings out honesty, I told my friends the truth.
That I was wondering why I had signed up for this trip. The timing was bad. My finances were off. I didn't feel like I was contributing anything to the trip or the team.
I felt, this morning, like a failure. With a capital F.
Maybe it's a product of my childhood as an MK. Maybe it's pride. But for whatever reason, I have been used to earning my way. If I travel for work or fun or missions, either I'm working or I have paid my own way.
Right before Christmas circumstances came up that drained the money I was going to use for the trip, and left me to start over. Every plan I've had to raise money on my own through work has fallen through.
So, this morning as I was telling my friends how much of a failure I feel in it, my dear friend Carter said, "well, maybe God wants you to receive this trip as a gift." And went on to say that I should just be this time and not do.
That's hard for me, friends! If I'm not serving or helping, I don't know what to do. It feels like that awkward moment in pictures where you don't know what to do with your hands. Or in a group of friends like you are the new girl.
But I think that is exactly what Jesus wants me to do this time. Because he has provided for me. All of the sudden people have given anonymously to my trip, and the finances are taking care of themselves.
So I want to say thank you to each of you that gave and helped me out. I want to hug your faces. Thank you for teaching me that it's ok to receive sometimes. Even though I hate it and immediately want to give back to each of you haha.
We leave on Saturday at the ungodly hour of 4 am, and I want to go quietly.
Ready to be still with Jesus and to receive.
3 comments:
I cannot wait to hear what God does in and through you on this trip! You are in a great place to receive this "gift" from God and I know you will learn much. Soak it all in, friend! Love you!
I agree with Carter! Remember when you blessed someone else to go to a conference and you worked a wedding instead to again bless someone whose circumstances were out of their control? Receive your blessing and enjoy it! Safe travels my friend!
You are such a wonderful blessing to me, just who you are. I have experienced you blessing others, and it is a beautiful work of God. My Bill loves to bless people and , true to his personality, it is always quiet and reserved. One day someone, a great friend, wanted to bless him by taking care of something for him, he took what they offered, but it was hard for him, explaining that he could take care of it himself. Their response was "But, I need to bless you, please don't take that away from me" This is someone's blessing! Celebrate it with them!
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