What To Do When Your Heart Bleeds and Your Dream Changes

My dream has changed.  I have wanted to paint masterpieces.  To find my soul drenched in color and depth and contrast.  I have wanted to travel and stand on the edges of the world breathing in the air.  I have wanted to dance and play in the sun. 

All of those things are good and fine. 

But my dream has changed.  Lately God has taken my path and turned it into a forked road.  A T-stop.   I find myself standing at the divide and being afraid. 

Nothing will show you the depths of your inadequacies as quickly as a call from God.

Even typing that makes me cringe.  Who wants to put themselves in a category with Moses and Elijah? Announcing to my world:  Hey, guess what guys, God has GREAT THINGS to do with me.  It feels like self promotion.  Like those cheesy guys studying evangelism in Bible college.  You know the ones.

I'm afraid.  Because the reality of this road will be emptying of self and sacrifice and stretching. 

I'm afraid.

Someone asked me yesterday why I never asked WHY in a certain circumstance of my life.

I really don't know.

I want to have a deep spiritual reason like, I trusted God or I knew it would be ok because I love Jesus.

The truth is I didn't know if it would be ok.  And although I was doing what God asked me to do in the circumstance there was no deep and abiding faith that my situation would come out all rosy and delightful.

So since I've been pondering that question, I think I've come up with an answer,

Life, it is hard, yo.   You get the good stuff and the bad stuff.  And the scales tip back and forth.  Always have.  Always will.  Maybe I just understood that early in life, because growing up in a 3rd world country will strip you of a sense of entitlement pretty quickly.  Some people beg on the street and some people live life in mansions.  Most of us end up somewhere in the middle of that.

So asking "why" in a situation doesn't really seem helpful.  You can waste lots of time and energy there.  Because the question isn't really why, it's why me?  Why should I have to suffer?  Why can't I have what I want when I want it?  Why isn't my life working the way I want it to?  It's presumes that if life isn't handing you a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates something in the universe is not working correctly.

God knows how small I am.  How I struggle and fail.  The cracks in foundation are there, baby.

In the middle of this intersection then, I get to look at the paths.  I get to choose.  I don't want to sit on the fork and ask why and go nowhere.  Cracked and small, He still wants me.  I don't know the outcome of this change of plans.  The story is still in its middle.  No skipping to the end.  

My dream has changed.  It has faces.  It has cost.  It has Jesus holding his hand out in front of me, saying 'Come'. 

There's not much more I can articulate right now.  This chick likes to have a 5 year plan and right now all I have is the next 5 minutes.  All I know is that I am in love with a man named Jesus and he's calling my name.  So I'm going to obey His call.  Wherever that leads.  Wherever it goes. 

And trust that along the way He will drench my soul in color.  We will stand at the edge of the world and breathe the air together.  And sometimes my Lord and I will dance in the sunshine on the edge of the road.