Selfies

If there's a new word I hate in the English language, it's selfies.  It's right up there with panties, moist, and ain't for cringe worthy, eye rolling, head shaking terrible parts of the english language. 

However, in the age of the interwebs, instagram, facebook, and twitter females(and males) of all ages, myself included, have taken to posting loads of what I like to call, self portraits.  :)

Self portraiture is an art form as old as Rembrandt.  In fact, he painted nearly 100 self portraits in his lifetime.  That's some commitment.  It wasn't a minute on a self phone in those days, a portrait took hours of work.  

We all want recognition.  Rembrandt wanted it.  Teenage girls want it.  We want to be seen. 

This week in particular I've been thinking a lot about worth and wisdom and attention seeking.  Heart motivations for this Crystal George.  I had a blond moment, that turned into a facebook post, that turned into a doctored photo of me from a friend.  That picture received 133 likes and tons of comments.  I only say that, to say this...

I'm as girlie as the next girl.  Who doesn't like to be told she's pretty?  But I was thinking again, tonight especially, what do I want to be seen for?  My worth is not in a pretty picture, or an amount of attention.  I want to be a truth teller.  A lover of people and God.  Someone who does the hard stuff when it hurts.  Someone who laughs deeply and often. 

How do you fit those things into an image on a screen?

And I want to say it on these social media sites to all my friends that are out there fighting the same fights with insecurity and the need to be seen:

For all the days where my hair is right, and my outfit is tight, and the camera likes me a little, there are also the days where my hair is a disaster.  I wear sweats because nothing fits.  My face is breaking out at the ripe age of 35.   And I haven't shaved my legs in a week.  ;)

No one's life is really a pinterest board. 

I want to be seen.  For real.  The beautiful and the not so beautiful.  I want to tell the truth about who I am really, and Who makes me beautiful, really.   So that if you are looking into this window that is my heart, the light of Christ shines back at you. 

I took this picture a few years ago, on a day that I was not wearing any makeup, my hair was just up, and I was wearing sweats.  In fact, this picture was taken during a week when that was pretty much my MO every day. 

There is no photoshopped picture that is as beautiful as an honest heart.  This picture reminds me of that truth, and I want to share it with you. 

Real = beautiful.

Repeat

I was reading back through the last couple of years of posts today.

Dang.  I repeat myself a lot.  Sorry friends!!! Haha

Themes:

The tension between work and ministry
The tension between relationship and an introvert heart
My fluctuating weight - lots of tension there ha

My struggles have changed shape but not ingredients over the years.  It's funny to see how I'm still in the same stuff, but encouraging because....there is progress friends! 

God's still filing the rough edges off but it's looking a lil smoother. 

Love that.

What To Do When Your Heart Bleeds and Your Dream Changes

My dream has changed.  I have wanted to paint masterpieces.  To find my soul drenched in color and depth and contrast.  I have wanted to travel and stand on the edges of the world breathing in the air.  I have wanted to dance and play in the sun. 

All of those things are good and fine. 

But my dream has changed.  Lately God has taken my path and turned it into a forked road.  A T-stop.   I find myself standing at the divide and being afraid. 

Nothing will show you the depths of your inadequacies as quickly as a call from God.

Even typing that makes me cringe.  Who wants to put themselves in a category with Moses and Elijah? Announcing to my world:  Hey, guess what guys, God has GREAT THINGS to do with me.  It feels like self promotion.  Like those cheesy guys studying evangelism in Bible college.  You know the ones.

I'm afraid.  Because the reality of this road will be emptying of self and sacrifice and stretching. 

I'm afraid.

Someone asked me yesterday why I never asked WHY in a certain circumstance of my life.

I really don't know.

I want to have a deep spiritual reason like, I trusted God or I knew it would be ok because I love Jesus.

The truth is I didn't know if it would be ok.  And although I was doing what God asked me to do in the circumstance there was no deep and abiding faith that my situation would come out all rosy and delightful.

So since I've been pondering that question, I think I've come up with an answer,

Life, it is hard, yo.   You get the good stuff and the bad stuff.  And the scales tip back and forth.  Always have.  Always will.  Maybe I just understood that early in life, because growing up in a 3rd world country will strip you of a sense of entitlement pretty quickly.  Some people beg on the street and some people live life in mansions.  Most of us end up somewhere in the middle of that.

So asking "why" in a situation doesn't really seem helpful.  You can waste lots of time and energy there.  Because the question isn't really why, it's why me?  Why should I have to suffer?  Why can't I have what I want when I want it?  Why isn't my life working the way I want it to?  It's presumes that if life isn't handing you a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates something in the universe is not working correctly.

God knows how small I am.  How I struggle and fail.  The cracks in foundation are there, baby.

In the middle of this intersection then, I get to look at the paths.  I get to choose.  I don't want to sit on the fork and ask why and go nowhere.  Cracked and small, He still wants me.  I don't know the outcome of this change of plans.  The story is still in its middle.  No skipping to the end.  

My dream has changed.  It has faces.  It has cost.  It has Jesus holding his hand out in front of me, saying 'Come'. 

There's not much more I can articulate right now.  This chick likes to have a 5 year plan and right now all I have is the next 5 minutes.  All I know is that I am in love with a man named Jesus and he's calling my name.  So I'm going to obey His call.  Wherever that leads.  Wherever it goes. 

And trust that along the way He will drench my soul in color.  We will stand at the edge of the world and breathe the air together.  And sometimes my Lord and I will dance in the sunshine on the edge of the road.