Here's the truth. I'm a private person when it comes to the deepest parts of my heart. I also don't like to come across as whiny or be one of those people who sings a sad song all the time. Life is full of beauty. But God, in that way that He has, has asked me to tell parts of my story that aren't so pretty, and in the telling of them has used it to reach the heart of someone else. People who are struggling in the same way I am. And so. Here we are about to delve into a painful and not that pretty part of me because maybe in the telling it will encourage someone else. And also because I need to write down where I am and how this decision came to be so I can return to it in those moments when I'm less than strong.
All of that vague rambling above is to do with this fact of my life:
I will never be a mother.
Having those words stare back at me in black and hideous white is an immediate opening to a chasm of real. deep. pain in my heart. And when I say pain, I want you to know that there have been moments in my life where it's bent over on the floor weeping kind of pain. The kind that you don't want to look at to closely so you push it away down deep, deep inside.
The why's and wherefore's of the fact are less important than what I'm going to do with it now that it's been a reality in my life for 5 or 6 years. A reality that I have only gradually and kicking and screaming come to accept. And to say that I have it all wrapped up in a bow and labeled finished would be a lie. I know that it's a struggle and a pain that I will have to look at for the rest of life from time to time.
I guess my question, and maybe yours would be why is God asking me to walk this road....in all honesty it seems, unnecessarily? And then the other question would be, if following God and living in obedience to him means continuing to walk this road, is it worth it? Because the truth is that I have the choice to step off of it. To go another way. To pull a Jonah. We all know how that turned out. *sigh*
Commitment to Christ is not commitment to Christianity. Christianity is a lifestyle. One that can be full of cliches and platitudes and endless quoting of verses. Blech. Spare me the piety, please.
Commitment to Christ is where the rubber meets the road. Where the reality of life punches you full in the face and you have to decide what the heck you are going to do with it. Realities like death. Depression. Addictions. Infidelity. The simple fact that life is not fair. It doesn't have a reset button. Like Eminem says, it's no nintendo game. Of course I have had long, agonizing periods of anger and sorrow. I still feel it in my gut when well meaning people ask me if I have children, or tell me that they are sure it will be soon. When you've walked through valleys a few times in life, to have to walk through another one seems like a really bad idea. So. My choices are obedience and relationship with God. Or disobedience and chasing after family and love in a way that I would define as good.
It is apparent that to chase my own definitions of happiness would cause destruction in my family and circle of friends. But as a dear friend said, you can't live the life of a martyr and be happy. A counselor suggested to me that I live my life vicariously through my nieces and nephews. Which is just terrible advice. Word to my readers, don't ever tell a hurting person to live through someone else. You're welcome. Hope I just saved you $125 an hour.
I am not a martyr.
But I choose Christ.
Faith, friends and neighbors, is not church on Sunday. Or bible verses to quote. Or cliches. It is wrestling with God in the hard, crappy stuff of life and still choosing Him. I came pretty close to making the opposite choice.
It doesn't feel awesome or good. No trumpets follow me around blaring victorious jazz riffs. Pretty sure no clouds parted and no angelic cupid descended to give me what I want once the battle was won and I made the right choice. Not even a touchdown. Damn those sports movies.
So this is the story of the winter my heart has been in. And now it's mostly over. I hope that spring is around the corner soon. And for those of you who are pretty disappointed that I haven't filled this with inspiring cliches and bible verses, here ya go:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28
What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. ~Philippians 3:8
3 comments:
it's the not so pretty parts of us - that when we admit them, share them and expose them - all more love and nourishment then we could have possibly imagined. I am sure this was NOT easy to share, write or even admit to yourself...especially when glitter and butterflies are so much more pleasant, but not everyone can relate to glitter...they can relate to hurt and pain. So, love to you friend for being willing to share something so private, so close to your heart. If we all could let down our guard sometimes, I think we all would find a glorious new level of friendships and contentment in God. *hugs* from NY.
Well...I love your heart and I'm thankful for the way you share it. I cannot know how this hurts you, but know it hurts that you hurt - but I love how God uses things like this to change us. And I know God is doing beautiful things in your life. :)
Love you.
Wow, Crys. That was heavy...but good. Downright amazing actually, and I applaud your choice. My mind goes to a Tenth Avenue North song called "Times." It talks about the love of God, and how it's over, underneath, inside and in between. It's a great song about love, but the line that stands out to me most is "in times you are hungry and are tempted to steal." THAT I can identify with. Not just FEELING hungry, but actually BEING hungry. Longing to meet a need that I know is natural and appropriate. But it wasn't being met. And there is always that temptation to meet our need OUR way. By stealing.
I'm so happy you chose well. But I know that may have been the hardest thing you've ever had to do. And I feel for ya. But as (sadly) an erstwhile thief, let me promise you—this path is the best one. And God is capable of blessing you in ways you would have never expected or even imagined. Now THAT sounds cliché, but baby I'm livin it. Trust me. He can do it.
Love ya, friend. Thank you for your good heart and for you brutal honesty. Both are beautiful :)
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