Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Post Dinner Conversation

Check it out.  Ryan and I are in the car driving back from dinner.

Ryan:  I want a woman in the streets and a freak in the bed.

Me:  You mean a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets?

Ryan:  O, um....yah. 

Me:  I assume you want a woman in the bed as well as the street.


hahahahaha. 

Awesome. My husband is so urban. NOT.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Time Wasting

Waiting to go to the hour of prayer for the 168 hours of continuous prayer at church.  We got signed up for the 3 am hour. 

Lesson learned?  Never send your husband to sign up for things. 

I can't sleep.  Surfing the net aimlessly.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Soulmate

Your eye catches mine.

Speak to me
With your heart.

Pilgrims in a weary land.

Take me in
Under your skin.

Fingers lace and your palm brushes mine.

Lover and friend
Hold me loosely, gently

Time flees, but we-
We dance in a frozen moment.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Heart Rumblings in Nicaragua Part Deux

Today I have been listening to the Ben Fold's song The Luckiest.  All day.  Because a song hasn't been loved until it's been listened to 30 times.  (=

But the lyrics have a lot to do, I think with how I feel about the women and children in House of Hope. 

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

The women and children who have been rescued out of prostitution and live in the HOH are heartbreakingly lovely and tragic at the same time.  For me, God made the HOH a simple question with a simple answer.  Jesus said that if we do something for the least, we have done it for Him.  Well, these women are the least.

Their society looks down on them.  Their circumstances have compelled them.  The 8, 9 and 10 year olds that have been raped, abused and scarred past the point of having children.  They matter to God.  The thirty year old woman that has 3 children and is in the first grade learning how to read after years and years of prostitution and alcohol abuse.  She matters.  The fifteen and 16 year olds that were in the park waiting for customers to sell their bodies for 5 dollars.  Or maybe 6 if they got lucky. 

Their stories and their circumstance compel me.  I cannot sit by and pretend that I don't know that a 12 year old is pregnant and dependent on the HOH for her future and the survival of her child.  I cannot call myself a follower of Jesus Christ and not hold the hand of a 9 year old and tell her she is beautiful although men have used her. 

I cannot do nothing. 

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Misty about the future of the women and children in such a circumstance.  Because the question arises, is there anything that really can be done?  Is the damage so harsh it's irreversible?  The thing, I think is to remember that we are all made in the image of God.  Even if there is damage that can never be reversed whether physical or mental or emotional, we all in our hearts want to be more than we are.  We want to be better.  So when the opportunity arises to offer change or a helping hand it should be offered.  Everyone deserves the chance to try.  To reach up for something more.  Whether a person succeeds or fails is between them and God.  But all of us, prostitutes or not stumble at some point in life and need help up. 

And so I am really, the luckiest.  To be able to look into the eyes of the girls and the women and know that I see the eyes of God looking back at me.  


Saturday, March 20, 2010

Heart Rumblings in Nicaragua, Parte uno

So, the bottom line is I have been awake for almost 36 hours now, but this has been in my heart bursting to come out.  I am sitting in my sister and brother in law's basement in MD.  Next to my bed.  And this will not let me sleep. 

There is SO MUCH from Nicaragua to share.  But the first thing to bubble to the surface was this.  And since I told 4 different people about it today...it was meaningful. 

My experience with pastors is not great.  As a child, we attended Bolivian churches with Bolivian pastors, but they were never any real spiritual influence in my life.  I helped my mom run the children's church and really paid not too much attention to the rest of it.  College was a lesson in what not to do in a church setting.  The only redeeming factor to PCCs idea of church was Pastor Schettler and he was pretty far removed.  I think that he genuinely cared about the student body, but really one man and 4000 students does not equal relationship of any kind.

After college, things went from not great to worse.  We attended a small baptist church in Indiana that was miserable.  Arrogant pastor = dead church.  I could not, and still cannot stand the man that ruled that church.  Make no mistake, ruling it is exactly what he did.  I remember clearly the day we visited our friend's Church of God congregation.  I was weeping, uncontrollably during the sermon because my heart was so thirsty for spiritual refreshment.  I couldn't stop the tears.  There have been more moments.  Pastors who were corrupt.  Using the church for power and money.  Encouraging or overlooking innapropriate sexual issues.  I remember one situation pretty clearly involving a young girl and an abusive husband twice her age.

So the bottom line is, over the years I have learned consciously or unconsciously to come into a church with armor on.  Cynicism is kinda my best friend when the pastorate is involved. 

So, remember that I have been nervous about the trip because of two of our senior pastors being part of the team.  Truthfully, I was somewhat familiar with Woody, but I barely knew Dave at all.

And over the five days that we were in Nica together, God took my armor off. 

Every night after being out at the House of Hope, or in the market, the team would sit out on the back patio and talk about the day.  Impressions, thoughts, evaluations of what happened that day.  Who we encountered and what God was saying to us about it.  I think it was the first night we did this, Dave and Woody were talking about the women at the home and their capacity for change in a very cerebral, theological way.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with this, but in my heart I was getting angry because I was coming from a place of raw pain for who these women are as human beings and the tragedy that has been their lives.  So I took a minute, and came back to the conversation and asked the pastors straight up if they were able to love these women.  Actually writing that kind of makes me cringe.  I have a big mouth sometimes. Ok most of the time. 

And Dave and Woody graciously answered my question deliberately, seriously, and without any return resentment.  At least that I could tell.  And then Woody prayed for forgiveness in the following time of prayer either later that night, or the next day, for wanting to be impressive with his theology. 

I was, and still am, floored by the humility and wisdom of the senior pastors of BRCC.    Not because my question was some great insight, far far from it.  Of course they are capable of loving people less fortunate than themselves.  But because they handled my defensiveness and my speaking from a place of prior pain, even without knowing it, lovingly and gently.  I will say that I have never encountered a pastor in my life that answered my big mouth with such gentleness.  And actually cared enough to answer the question as a question instead of taking as an attack.

And the rest of the week was the same.  I moved from a place of cynisism to really being interested in what they were going to say in the evenings and to listening to them process things verbally.  And each time there was something I wanted to ask or clarify they were as gracious as the first time. 

I saw the Holy Spirit in them clearly. 

And I saw them as normal guys playing Scrabble and learning about Duck, Duck Goose...LOL Woody!

And for the first time in my life I think that I truly trust the leadership of my church.  God met each of my defenses with truth in their lives as men and leaders of the church. 

Even writing that down makes me nervous.  Scary.  Not that they will fail, but that they will fail and hide the failure and start the image making process. It's so worthless and empty and a dime a dozen. 

This seems silly, and I almost don't want to write it down.  But it almost made me cry.  Ok, truth, it's making me cry right now....when they dropped me off at home, Dave hugged me.  And then Woody hugged me.  And they initiated the contact. 

It felt like they cared about me.  About Crystal.  That's kind of new. 

So summary of lesson number one out of five days in Nicaragua?   I suck at Speed Scrabble, and Woody skipped some of his childhood. 

And also God says I don't need all the emotional and spiritual layers of armor I drag around with me. 

It's ok to trust.  Trust God when he puts people in your life.  I think I will always ask questions, but I will be much happier accepting no for an answer now when it comes from men like this. 

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Going Forth

Dear Georgia, this week(end) coming up is going to be pure insanity.  Lemme break it down....

Saturday: Wedding
Sunday:  Open House/Bridal Portrait/Faith's Bday
Monday:  Fly to Nicaragua( at the ungodly hour of 4:30am)
Friday:  Get back from Nica/drive up to Baltimore
Saturday:  Shoot a wedding
Sunday: Shoot family portrait.

Monday:  Drive home.

Hmmm....What was I thinking with that scheduling.  I don't know.  But here is the good news.  The church trip is going to be great.  House of Hope needs the support and I am grateful to be a part of the team going.  Also, I have all the power, so Woody and Dave have to be really nice to me.  Or I'll order them grasshoppers for dinner. (=  There are perks to being the translator.  hehe.

Also, really looking forward to getting in the groove of work again.  The bride I have for the portrait Sunday is super cute and vintage(y).  It's going to be a rad,(scene) bride at a picnic by a stream with old Coke bottles and old books. ( and her boyfriend smokes a pipe, so it might find its way in there as well....)

Also, there are some amazing things happening in our area with West Manor and SHP.  I am so happy for all of their success, and I might be almost famous cuz I know them. (=

God has poured out continual blessings in my life.  Who knows what the path ahead will bring for 2010, but I really want to praise Him at the beginning of it this year.  Thank you Lord!  Thank you for life, and health, and work, and friends that are famous.  And the friends that aren't. (=  Thank you for my best girls who know me inside and out and still love me.  Thank you for my family and all the little guys that are a part of us now.  Thank you for my church, and the heart of the leadership for missions and for children.  Thank you for putting me in a place to grow up where I learned a language and a culture that weren't mine by birth.  Thank you for love that is all around me in all of it's forms.  A constant reminder that you are the Lover of my soul.

Peace out, Internet until a week and a half from now!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Alice: A Review (Spoilers Ahead)

Walking around the mountain today with a friend, we had a lively discussion of the new Tim Burton movie Alice in Wonderland.  We all went to see it Saturday, and I have to say that I loved it, but it took me a little time to process the movie and decide why it was that I loved it. 

First of all, let me be completely honest and confess:  I have a thing for Johnny Depp.  He is genius.  Best character actor of our generation, maybe ever.  Just had to put that out there. (=

I was not a huge fan of the plotline, although I think that it was a good attempt at an original spin on a classic story.  I thought it was predictable and didn't explore certain storylines enough. 

What I loved, though, was the way the script and the actors stayed true to the original character's personalities and souls.  I could definitely see Lewis Carroll loving them and blessing their portrayal here.  They just lived.  Alice, the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, the Red Queen of Hearts...all exactly how I imagined them as a child, and as an older student of literature.  Helena Bonham Carter is another actor of great genius, and she is both heartbreakingly funny, and vulnerably cruel in her role. 

And, AND!  They used other parts of the original Carroll story in the movie!  Awesome!  The Jaberwocky:

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!"


People may disagree, and of course that's ok.  But for me, although the story was eh...the characterizations and the cinematography were A+.  
 

Friday, March 5, 2010

Friday Night

Some nights there is a wistfulness in my heart.  A longing for more.  Often I don't even know what that means or what it looks like.  A small discontent.  Tonight, and actually today felt like that.  More in my relationship, more in my friendships?  More in myself.  Mostly more in myself. 

At church we are in the middle of a series called Leaving Your Mark.  It's been a good soul searching kind of series.  A verse that has impacted my heart, and been with me for years is Proverbs 31:12

She brings him good, not harm,
       all the days of her life.

In every relationship, whether wife, or friend, or sibling or daughter, gosh, I just really want to leave that kind of mark.  To bring the people who are in my life good, not evil.  To never intentionally do harm.  To intentionally bring blessing.  It's a goal.  It's definitely not been attained.  I wonder what people would say about my life right now if there was a memorial service held.  What would my mark be?

Today on facebook I was scrolling through one of those ridiculous questionnaire applications.  People had answered questions about me and I had some interesting discoveries.  For the record:  I have skinny dipped and I have never smoked.  Just wanted to clear that up. (=

But one of the questions was whether or not I was materialistic.  The answer was yes.  Ugh.  No.  That hurts.  That is not the mark I want to leave.  It caused me to do some thinking today. 

Some evaluating of what I say and what I do. 

And shout out to Jeffrey, that song you posted tonight, I clicked on it and it totally summed up today.  Yes, please, if the people God collides my life with say that they are better people for having known me.  And not me, but Christ in me.  That, that would be insanely amazing. 

My church is going to Nicaragua in a week to evaluate a ministry for support, and I am going with them as the translator.  Two of our senior pastors, and two women who are pretty involved in church things are going.  I don't really know any of them that well.  I am shy around them.  The people pleaser in me wants them to like me.  I want to kiss up a little bit.  Not attractive, but true.  Not a good mark.  Not the mark I want to leave with them on this trip.  I don't want to want what is inappropriate for me.  I want to want the heart of Christ in me.  Not I, but Christ. 

What a mark to leave. 

Here is the song...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtMN3mXmvqU

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Still Wrestling

This post from a few weeks ago is still resonating in my heart.   God, I want to be where you are. 

Monday, March 1, 2010

3 Times the Charm

I hope. Being Crystal sometimes means...ok a lot of times...means being clutzy, clumsy and forgetful.   I fight with my right brained tendencies on a daily basis.  But Dear Georgia, this week!  This week is in a league all its own. 

It started Wednesday night when I went to shoot a grand opening at a venue downtown.  Got there a little late, also normal for me.  Had everything I needed..check, check, check.  O, wait, CF cards?   Nope.  And of course every important photographer in town was there as well.  Adam kindly offered to let me borrow a card.  I looked down, mortified and touched at the same time, and mumbled that I was having a senior and a blond moment, had made a call to Ruby and she was on her way.   Cut to Scene 2 on Friday.

Finishing a baby shoot that had run an hour over.  Had to be in Altavista, 20 minutes away, hopped in the car with my camera bag.  Checked that I had extra cards.(!)  Pulled into the parking lot of the cutest store in the world ready to shoot.  And I had left my camera at home.  Yup.  I walked the walk of shame into the store to tell the manager that I was: blond, sorry, and would be right back.  She was sweet.  (Offered me an ice cream cone and asked if I was a professional.)   Cut to scene 3.

Saturday was glorious.  The beach in NC was perfect, the water was clear and the weather was warm.  My bride was lovely and her dress was amazing.  The wind was blowing at just the right time to catch her hair or her dress or the grass on the dunes.  Perfect.  Really really perfect.  So I drive home in a great mood to catch a ride up to the annual retreat with my small group.  Sunday night I'm home.  I'm excited to download and view the pictures, I put the card straight out of the camera into the reader....and wait for it....no pictures.  Yup.  I'm still hyperventilating a little. 

And what is the moral of this little tale?  There are several options:  dye my hair,  avoid black cats, give up photography and move to Costa Rica....the ever popular option D, which is all of the above.  I think I would make a fabulous brunette beach bunny. 

Sometimes you really just have to laugh.   Things come in threes, right?  Here's hoping!  (= 

(I did check flights to CR...Pura Vida baby.)

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