I Won't Give Up

As a kid I would imagine my life.  Often it was as a glamorous woman with long hair and a great wardrobe. (I wanted to be a model and a singer.  Someone a little like Jem and the Holograms) Sometimes it was like I would pretend in my backyard playhouse: husband, kids, dinner and cleaning.  Last night at Crash we were talking about where in life God has asked us to take risks, or where we have obeyed God and it was a risky business.  No Tom Cruise in sight. 

It seems that after college life became a series of crisis situations or crash and burns.  Not so much to me or by me or in me but most definitely in the people closest to me.  This week has been another crisis week.  Honestly, it feels a little bit like maybe my family is cursed.  And it makes me feel dirty by association.  A big part of my heart has been curled up in a corner hiding in the dark.  Waiting for it to go away.  This monster that pursues us.  On the outside, I've been functioning.  Working.  Counseling.  Laughing. 

I've been trying to find God in this.  Or see Him.  Or the purpose of it.  We've had words, God and I.  We are still having them.  So last night I was telling a story about one of my sisters and how I obeyed God in it even though I didn't want to and it felt risky because I wasn't controlling it. 

There was blessing in that obedience.  

So in this new part of an old story I want to do the same.  I might feel like falling apart.  But I won't.  I won't give up.  Not on God.  Not on my family.   

I Won't Give Up (VH1 Storytellers Sneak) - Music Videos - Live Performances

The wages of sin is so death.  Always.  Ugh. 

Sex on Sunday?

Well, it's been a busy few days.  2 weddings last weekend.  I always feel like I have a semi that's run over me and then backed up and run over me again on double wedding weekends.  Both weddings had BRCC folk involved in them, so that was fun.  A couple of things that happened:

At wedding 2 I was wearing a white shirt and somehow managed to get chocolate all over the front of it.  I do not even know.  Thus there were chocolate milk jokes made for the next 2 hours.

At wedding 1 I got to work with the Tresca crew, which I always enjoy.  They may have stolen the camera and I have the evidence to prove it. :)

The teach went well at Crash last night.  In the sense that I didn't faint or run screaming off the stage.  For the rest of it you'll have to ask someone who was there.  I did manage to somehow walk into the wrong part of the room and make the mic screech.  Everyone really enjoyed that.  Don't give a blond a microphone

Ryan is in Canada hiking with some friends. We are in a really good place right now and I miss him a lot. 

The sex talks at church are making me really uncomfortable.  Can I just put that out there?  It's possible that it's my very proper Canadian mother's fault, or my raisin' as an MK, or 4 years of PCC.  Or maybe a combination of all three.  Nevertheless, I was about 23 shades of red on Sunday.  Carter has promised to sit next to me and make dirty jokes so I can make it through this weekend's service.  That is a true friend.  Don't get me wrong, please.  I am a huge fan of sex.  Sex is great.  Having your pastor say things like "orgasmic women" from the stage is amazingly awkward. I prefer to think that Woody and Nan cuddle a lot.  That's all.  ;)

On to the next weekend.  That's how my summer is measured.  In weekends.  In weddings.  And the space inbetween.

I am Not

So, in the last week I've been asked by 3 different ladies to disciple them.

The tension for me is in doing what God wants me to do and loving them as best I can, and the fear of failure.  The fear of pride and arrogance.  And the fear of keeping too many balls in the air as I juggle what this life is.

I am taking my first turn teaching Crash next Wed too, and all of that same tension is with me in thinking about it.

I was prepping my talk this morning and praying about it, and God just said this.   Do what I've told you to do.  It doesn't matter how good or bad you think it is.  It doesn't matter what Andy, Melissa or any of the other Crash leaders think about how you do it.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks except Me.

Just do what I want you to do.

That's enough.

And I feel way much better now. :)

It's amazing how much serving the expectations of people around you can become a slavery and a burden.  Or even the expectation of what you think their expectations are going to be. haha!

It's so easy to get caught up in my head and think about me.  Reflecting on me.  How things will affect me, how I will affect them.  The outcomes and possibilities all revolving around....you guessed it.  Me.

I'm not the point.

I am not.  But I know I AM.

How I Feel Today

I have been eating my face off this week.  It's all very odd and I was feeling discouraged until I realized what part of the month it was.  Ah-ha.  And it's back to a run and a salad diet with a little chocolate thrown in to make the rest of my cravings go away.

It being that special time of the month, I've also been crying my eyes out all day while watching Dancing with the Stars, and Smash, and even the Bachelorette got me today.   Except for the guy with the egg.  Just odd.  Why Emily?  Do I need to start asking you why from the very first episode?  Jeff seems like the most normal and cool one there.  Skate boarder?  Hella yes. 

Also I've noticed a little irritation in my heart lately over the amount of new photographers popping up in this town.  Now, the truth is that I was one of those newbies 4 years ago, so I don't know why I feel that I can roll my eyes now.  But I do.  They irritate me.  Go away. 

The key of course is to rock the heck out of my own clients and not pay attention to other people's business.  But I did hear some bitchy comments come out of my mouth today.  Forgive me, O Lord. 

And that's all for today.  Just a little special look into my head.  You're welcome, Internet.

The Power of the Beautiful

Beauty takes us outside of ourselves.  Our preoccupations.  Lifts us up.  Makes us quiet.  Makes us thankful.  Makes us worship.  All of creation started out as a shout of glorious beauty, a reflection of it's Maker.   I've seen it happen across cultures and genders and all kinds of barriers, when a moment of beauty presents itself people stop to soak it in. 

The human soul needs beauty in many ways like we need food for our physical body.  That's why every culture has artists.  That's why we create music and poetry and dance.  We are the image of a God who is beautiful and creative.   The power of beauty is to lift us out of what's hard.  What hurts.  What is mundane.  To remind us that eternity is just around the corner. 

Today I'm thankful that my job, even though it's a little frivolous, is to take moments and people and celebrate their beauty.  Putting a little more pretty out in the world is not the worst thing ever.

High five, God. :)

Perfectly Content

Tonight the rain is gently coming down.  The breeze is coming through my window.  I'm snuggled in bed with my comfy Tweety pjs on and drowning in fluffy pillows.  A glass of delicious rose wine is sitting next to what was a small portion of chocolate chip cookie dough.  RIP.  In my tummy. :)

Mark Driscoll is telling me why Jesus says do not fear. 

In this moment everything is beautiful. 

God has been teaching me a lot and I want to say it out loud.  But just for this little moment it's enough to be thankful for little blessings and big ones. 

Monday

If you decide to leave me
at the shore of the heart
where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land
~Pablo Nerudo

 

Hoochie Mama

Well now.

Yesterday I realized my earring drawers were in that sad state of the sock drawer where you have one of each and two of nothing.  Time for my annual trip to the costume jewelry sales in the mall.  I scored with some bangin' hoops and a set with a camera on it.  Holler!  Because nothing says I'm a photographer like a good set of camera earrings. ;)

Today I'm rocking the said hoops, which are roughly the size of baseballs.  Once a fine and delightful lady told me a story about her oldest child who was wearing hoochie big earrings and she was deeply concerned.  She told me this story as I stood there with my hoochie big earrings loud and proud.  bahahaha.  Oh.  Yes.  I am not ashamed of my cholaness.

Also yesterday I managed to fit into a size smaller jean then I've worn in 5 years.  In celebration I bought two pairs of shorts.

Because of the shorts I tried self tanner on my glacial skin.  That went about as you'd expect.

Just remembering that I have a necklace with a camera on it too.  What if I wear them all together?  Mind. Blown.

hahaha.

Happy Wednesday my amigos!