A Little Peaceful Moment

Paramore is singing The Only Exception, had a rum and coke(yum), burning cds and getting ready to edit Kells and Drew's E session, it's midnight thirtyish and I am happy.  In this moment, my soul is quiet and content.

I Heart Jane Kenyon

Wash

All day the blanket snapped and swelled
on the line, roused by a hot spring wind....
From there it witnessed the first sparrow,
early flies lifting their sticky feet,
and a green haze on the south-sloping hills.
Clouds rose over the mountain....At dusk
I took the blanket in, and we slept,
restless, under its fragrant weight.

~Jane Kenyon

Insecurity

I present a bold, brash face

But my soul is a small white bird

Heart beating wildly in your hands.

Girl Power

Tonight Shania and I are getting down.  Number one reason I love her?   Shania knows the power of a wink and a smile over a shoulder.  The way it feels to sashay down a street or a hallway, or even your own living room and know that heck yes, you look good. 

 You feel good. 

And tonight's going to be a good night.  

Some of my very favorite memories are with my girls in Miami or DC tearing up the dance floor or chatting at the bar or laying on the beach.  We are girls that love Jesus, so nothing that shouldn't go down does...but man do we have some stories...

Like the guy that told Jen he was a sci fi author and asked if we wanted his autograph.

Or the guy that invited me back to the VIP section...the VIP section being a roped off area of the one level restaurant we were standing in, impressive. (;

Or the guy who came up to Faith(in church) and asked pointedly and repeatedly which Bible studies she went to, while ignoring the rest of us.

A night out dancing salsa in heels and a fly outfit with my girls and a mojito?  Man, I feel like a woman. 

Today's Message

O today's message.  Obedience.  I have screwed up big time this week.  Didn't pray for my small group girls.  I was super convicted of the need for that tonight.  God gives me these girls, and I treat them casually.

I want what I cannot have, and I am not willing to give it up.

Obedience.  Worship.

God help me, I cannot help myself.

Confessions

I really love to match make.  It's true. Someone needs to help me.  It's to the point where I like to arrange inanimate objects in pairs.

I hate listening to people eat.

Dancing is probably one of my very favorite things to do ever.  Only salsa and swing though.  I like structure and a partner who can lead.  I look ridiculous trying to dance hip hop. (Although I do drop it like it's hot when no one is looking)

Music is one of my love languages.

My girlfriends are my sanity and a night out with them is a good night.  Any day of the week.  We could give the Sex and the City girls a run for their money.

I tailgate people all the time.  It's really bad.  It's not on purpose, but I zone when I drive and I always feel like I need to get places quickly. 

When we go out to eat, Ryan gets the salad and I get the steak. 

Some days I put a dress and heels on and some days I live in sweats and don't comb my hair.  Both options are equally awesome.

That's enough soul baring for one night! (=

Test Drive

I have a post coming up for a wedding on my photography blog, and I want to write a little something about the idea of love.  So I'm trying it out here. (=  So nice to have a little secret bloggity.  hehe.

Where does chemistry come from?  Eyes meet, silently.  Sparks fly invisibly, and suddenly two people are drawn together. Like magnets.  Like two halves of a whole.  And that person is your whole world.  Inside jokes.  Shivers down your spine when their hand traces your arm.  Late nights watching movies and early mornings watching the sun rise.

Where does it come from?  That instant recognition that says, I know you?

It exists in the first look between young lovers and sticks around in white haired couples holding hands.  I feel like I'm stumbling here to explain something intangible.  The lyrics to this song, I think say it best:

Style of your hair,
shape of your eyes and your nose,
the way you stare
As if you see, right through to my soul,

It's your left hand and the way
that it's not quite as big as your right,
the way you stand in the mirror
before we go out at night,

Our quiet time,
your beautiful mind,

They're a part of the list.
Things that I miss.
Things like your funny little laugh,
the way you smile or the way we kiss.

The mystery of chemistry hits me each and every time I get to shoot a love story.

A Date with Me, Myself and I.

Tonight, we had dinner.  Me and my paperback pulled up a table at Panera.  In a busy, bustling room filled with couples and groups I had a little island for one.  The classic salad was tasty.  The ice tea was sweet.  My earrings were big and my new shirt was comfy and cute all at the same time.  Perfection.

As I told Mandy tonight, I think that in another life I would have been a part time hermit.  Solitary moments sometimes restore my soul. 

And then M- and I caught up to watch How to Train Your Dragon. Cuh-ute.  Seriously.

The date was great, I think we might do it again. (=

O my wandering heart. 

Will you ever learn

To content in the now

And not reach for the might be? 

But is it possible to stay

mundane...

When glory lurks just beyond reach?

Exiled to wander through

The milky way of possibility

Clutching a flashlight in my hand.

Things About NC

* The gas stations get sketchier the second you cross the VA/NC line.  For realz. 
* People drive 10 miles under the speed limit on back roads and 20 miles over the speed limit on the interstate.
* The hair is bigger & the makeup heavier.
* Saying y'all becomes a normal part of your vocabulary.  Even if it's only been a day.  It feels normal.
* You may hear things while shooting a wedding, like:  "Can you make this picture sexual?"  No, really, it happened. (=
* The beaches are to die for.


The State motto is To Be, Rather than to Seem.  Fits them.  The people are kind, generous, and don't pretend to be what they are not.  I like 'em.

Brattiness and The Right Thing

I hear God pretty clearly.  My job in this whole thing is to submit.  Not to push to get my way. 

To forgive.  To act lovingly.

Well, I don't want to. 

I've been a brat today.  Because I don't want to forgive and be nice and act loving. 

I never win these arguments with the HS.  So I know that later tonight I'll approach my husband and we'll talk and make up.  It's not an easy thing.  I don't want to sweep this under the rug.  Pretend it's not a big deal.  It is, but God is being loud about my role.

As for the rest. 

I guess I just improve what I can improve on.  Kellie,Valda and Mandi were gifts to me.  They reminded me of this: 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 

God give me patience and help me to be a better person, better wife.  Even when it's hard. 

Tomorrow is off to NC to shoot the wedding of the girl whose bridal portrait went MIA.  I hope this weekend goes well.  I need a stress free shoot.

Thank you

God, thank you.  Thank you for women who speak truth into my life and who love me.  Unconditionally. 

I needed them this week. 

Thank you for laughs, and for friends who have mad shopping skillz at Goodwill. 

Thank you for breakfast on a Wednesday and rocking chairs on a Tuesday night and Kenyan tea and texting.  I am rich in relationship. 

A Snippet

Of today: 

Me to Cute Engaged Couple:  Sit in this greenery over here.  The light is pretty and it looks better than the pine needles.  Breaks it up.

---Couple sits obediently---

Boy Half of the Engaged Couple:  I think this might be poison oak. 

Yup.  (I can't help it, I laughed. Of course it was.)

Great Expectations

I feel the burden of expectation.  My own expectations of myself.  Being a perfectionist is good and not good.  I want to be the best, do the best I can.  Always.  It's weird, it's definitely more in the realm of relationships and people and my work than anything else.  You could check my trunk or my bedroom right now and know that perfection doesn't extend that far. 

I want, and sometimes I need, for the friends, family and clients around me to be in a good place.  A happy place.  And if that is not happening, then gosh darn it, I will make it happen to the best of my ability. 

Things in my work life are exploding with opportunity and promise.  This is good.  But I don't want to fail.  I am so afraid of that.  I have to speak to a group of students at LU next week as part of a course and that terrifies me to no end.  Visions of freshman speech dance in my head. 

We were riding to shop for Kellie's wedding dress yesterday, and out of nowhere Faith says, Crys you should be a counselor.  You are good at helping people process their stuff.  A good listener.  Which was nice to hear, but the thing is...if I am going to be someone's friend, than we are going to be friends.  Spend time together, share life.  In the last month, along with work, relationships are exploding too, and I have new ladies reaching out to me.  Which is great.  But I feel like a jerk, because I don't have time to invest in a lot of new relationships.  I really don't.

So, here is the burden of my expectation, I am afraid of not being enough.  The fact is that I am not enough. 

Today I had the opportunity to shoot one year old little Ella.  She doesn't sit.  And she doesn't walk.  She runs.  Headlong at everything, while pointing and dancing and opening her little blue eyes as wide as they go. 

"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 17.

God, help me to accept what you have in my life like a little child and run headlong into it.  Eyes and heart wide open.  Help me to depend on your arms for the strength to make it over obstacles and through scary nights.  Thank you for every opportunity and  help me to make the most of each one while giving You praise, because You are the Author and the Finisher of my life and my story and my faith. 

Choose Your Own Adventure

Well, I had 3 completely different things I wanted to write about tonight. So, gosh darn it, I am going to write about all three. This is choose your own adventure blog. You can read one, two, three or none. (=

One: Surprised by Joy.

This is one of my fave CS Lewis books. In my little Sunday SG we are talking about Joy as one of the fruits of an abiding life. Joy as a choice and a world view rather than a fleeting emotion. Joy as a state of contentment as much or more than ecstatic happiness. CS Lewis says in his book, "God is, if I may say it, very unscrupulous." And He is. Unscrupulous in His pursuit of our hearts, giving us grace after grace and favor. Sunny days, hugs from a friend, a walk on a Spring morning, kisses from my niece. All of these things are constant reminders that joy is a state of being. An acknowledgment of grace.

Two:  Humble Pie

As I was walking through the neighborhood with Shea, I heard myself talking about how one of my SG girlies was learning and applying the things we were talking about in her life.   And then I said, well, I feel inadequate many times to teach.  Well, guess what, Crys it's not about you.  I know that seems like not a big deal to say, but the thing is I was saying it out of a place of wanting it to be recognized that maybe I am a great small group leader.  See what spirituality!  And then follow it up with false humility.  Nice.  Another CS Lewis quote:  "The moment good taste knows itself, some of its goodness is lost."  Self in any form is not pretty.  God is in and around this little group of ladies and the work that the HS is doing is in fact, awesome.  Too bad I tried to take some credit there. 

Three: Mission Fields

I have to write a letter to my brother.  I have been putting it off, because, well, I'm a chicken.  But God is being clear about this.  Baring my heart spiritually is not easy for me with my family. I don't know why.  But here goes.  He needs Jesus.

Also, all of the sudden God is moving me in the direction of sex trafficking overseas.  To draw attention, to use my skills for highlighting and serving the battle against it.  Kind of unexpected.  I am interested to see where this journey goes.  I've been invited to go to Thailand with Freedom 4/24.  Have to hash it out with BRCC first, but I think it will be cool.  Nicaragua is about to take off in church too.  This Sunday is the big media presentation to the body.

God has also given me a whole lotta new friends.  And some reminders about old ones.  Ezekiel 34 is especially pertinent.  Shepherding the people in our paths matters.  That's a whole 'nother post though. (=

Easter

Maybe it was the sunny, gorgeous day.  Maybe it's the sense that my cup is overflowing this week with the goodness of God.  Maybe it was Jordan spinning in her "buful" dress.  All I know is I cannot wait to be in the House tomorrow with my family celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. 

He is Risen!  He is Risen Indeed. 

The Lord be with you.

Resurrection: Rob Bell from The Work of Rob Bell on Vimeo.